Friday, April 29, 2005
Kakak
I haven't been blogging proper in quite some time. I feel like it today, coz a topic came up in my head. Well, actually, more appropriately, in my phone. I wanna write about my elder sister, Aeriza, or fondly known to me as akak. Lantak la post ni personal ke, pathetic ke, apa ke, aku rasa nak tulis, sukati aku la kan?
Yes, as perhaps some of you might have already known, this eldest sister of mine is 2 years older than me, and she's married with 2 boys. She used to be my bestest friend growing up. We took care of each other, and pray we NEVER EVER kiss and tell on each other. Our secrets, we carry to our graves. We grew up together, slept together, did everything together. I looked up to her, as much as she felt anger towards everyone who loved to compare us.
She was the rebel in the family. The one with the voice. The very brave one who dared to speak up and say what's in her mind, whereas I was just the quiet one who kept everything to myself. She was smart actually, especially in language and literature. She just CHOSE not to study and stuff, just to rebel, if you know what I mean. Everyone, especially relatives, remember her the most, as she always made an impact everywhere she goes. In studies, I did better than her, and oh, don't the teachers just love to compare us. During the parents-teachers meetings, they will always go, "Why are you not like your younger sister? She's doing so good in her studies and sports and all. Why do you mix with these naughty girls?". And my parents would go, "kenapa kakak tak boleh jadi macam adik? adik boleh je dapat results bagus? kenapa kakak keep on disappointing us??" Poor kakak. She never blames me for all this comparison, wasn't my fault anyways. But I know she gets pissed at those teachers, and my parents too. I get angry when I'm being compared too. I hate that. I am me, and she's she. We're 2 different people.
Kakak, was just like any other normal teenagers. She was naughty, as was me. Only her luck wasn't always on her side. Whatever she did, from going out in the night, to bringing boys back to the house, to cheating in exams, she will always always 'kantoi'. Kesian gila wei. I on the other hand, get away with almost everything. This, resulted in her never ever being trusted especially by my parents, and me being adopted as the 'angel' in the family. How I pity her luck. She hated being controlled and she wasn't allowed out so much, not as much as I was given the freedom to. I was just deemed 'more responsible and mature'. But she never ever hated me. We still remained the best of friends.
After she finished school, she decided to work and didn't want to pursue her studies. My parents, flexible as they were (or maybe they couldn't care less), just lets her do whatever she pleases. She worked at some book store for a while, then she landed a job as a receptionist in an insurance company, and there she remained up to this day. She got herself a boyfriend when she started working, and she makes me tag along whenever she wants to go out on dates. I hated that! But I did it, for her sake. Soon after, we started drifting apart as she got closer with the bf.. and after I finished school, I went to uni. My first time ever leaving the house. Though it was still in the same district, I hardly ever came home. She was busy with her life, and I with mine.
When I was in second year, she got married at the age of 21. My parents, again, didn't object. Perhaps they view it better for her to have someone else look after her for a change. Perhaps they hoped this guy would be able to tame her. Hahaha. I, of all people, felt the loss of my best friend and confidante when she got hitched. I tried to talk to her about it, but she tried to convince me that things will still be as they were. She was definitely wrong. I dropped tears, the day she got married, coz I know things are gonna be different from then on.
Another reason why I decided to move away after I finished studying. I don't have my sister anymore. She was someone's wife, and she didn't have that much time for me. I understood, I wasn't mad. I get the change of things with the changing times, and I accepted it. Since then, our communication is mostly through sms. We hardly talk anymore, and even when I do go back, we can't seem to have the heart-to-heart talks anymore. She has a husband and kids to take care of, and I'm still basically a kid inside.
Yesterday, I asked her to draw me the map to the hall where I plan to have my wedding reception in JB for me to print the invitation cards. She did, and she faxed it to me a while ago. And suddenly, I received an sms from her. And we exchanged smses.... hers in red, my replies in blue.
x lama lg adk da nk kawin ek. suma dah ada tnggungn fmly sndri. i was just thinkin bout our lives separately. sedih gak.
hahahaha. i have been thnkng abt that the whole time. well this is exactly how i felt when U got married. i felt like i lost u 2.
maybe coz i was da 1st going thru da marriage thing thinking i still have u 2 turn 2. now akk bley rasa some things r abt 2 change. feels weird.
thats how i've been feeling, ever since i was in uni. we drifted apart, and i missed u. thats also y i left home after. i have no one 2 turn 2 anymore.
n ure da main reason i got a hset. just 2 keep in touch wit u. coz we've grown so close i guess. wish we have more time 2 spend 2gether as naughty kids again ya.. :-)
yeah.. sedih la jugak. missed our times as kids. we used to do everythng 2gether kan? nakal gila kita dulu.
oh ye ke? sedih ek? hope we will not lose touch after u kawin. feel free 2 share thoughts wit me k. muah!
i'll try :) rindu time2 we used to talk abt everythng, masa kemas umah, cuci pinggan, kemas dapur, tak abis2 berbual sampai mak marah.
main air sampai banjir dlm umah, main ujan sampai kuyup, rosakkan tools abah semua. best kan masa kita kecik2?
aahhh dah la those are just memories now.. sweet memories. we grew up, and we each have our own lives now.
shed a tear coz i'm missin u i'm still alright 2 smile.. remember? (note: we used to be HUGE fans of GNR, STP and Aerosmith and all the big rock bands. this was one of our fav songs) those were the days. maybe we're close coz we've gone thru some tough times 2gether kan?
yup yup we sure had. but we survived 2gether kan? now these memories are kept in heart so dat mayb 1 day we shall tell our tales to our kids.
Us as kids.. at that time, we only had 1 BMX, and we shared that
When we were teens.. my last few years before Kakak got married..
I was smiling to myself throughout the day and night yesterday, thinking abt what she n I went through. We sure hell was naughty, and sooo close to each other. At that time, I didn't feel much of a sibling rivalry. We fought, yes, but never for more than half a day. Then we would just suddenly start talking to each other again, and forget that we fought earlier. And I miss those times. I miss Kakak. And now I know, so does she. *sigh*
Ahhhh the memories. I had a great childhood, if I may say so. And I had the BEST sister in the world, no matter how f*cked up she was, no matter how she changed, no matter how we are now. What we've had together, can never be replaced.
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Yes, as perhaps some of you might have already known, this eldest sister of mine is 2 years older than me, and she's married with 2 boys. She used to be my bestest friend growing up. We took care of each other, and pray we NEVER EVER kiss and tell on each other. Our secrets, we carry to our graves. We grew up together, slept together, did everything together. I looked up to her, as much as she felt anger towards everyone who loved to compare us.
She was the rebel in the family. The one with the voice. The very brave one who dared to speak up and say what's in her mind, whereas I was just the quiet one who kept everything to myself. She was smart actually, especially in language and literature. She just CHOSE not to study and stuff, just to rebel, if you know what I mean. Everyone, especially relatives, remember her the most, as she always made an impact everywhere she goes. In studies, I did better than her, and oh, don't the teachers just love to compare us. During the parents-teachers meetings, they will always go, "Why are you not like your younger sister? She's doing so good in her studies and sports and all. Why do you mix with these naughty girls?". And my parents would go, "kenapa kakak tak boleh jadi macam adik? adik boleh je dapat results bagus? kenapa kakak keep on disappointing us??" Poor kakak. She never blames me for all this comparison, wasn't my fault anyways. But I know she gets pissed at those teachers, and my parents too. I get angry when I'm being compared too. I hate that. I am me, and she's she. We're 2 different people.
Kakak, was just like any other normal teenagers. She was naughty, as was me. Only her luck wasn't always on her side. Whatever she did, from going out in the night, to bringing boys back to the house, to cheating in exams, she will always always 'kantoi'. Kesian gila wei. I on the other hand, get away with almost everything. This, resulted in her never ever being trusted especially by my parents, and me being adopted as the 'angel' in the family. How I pity her luck. She hated being controlled and she wasn't allowed out so much, not as much as I was given the freedom to. I was just deemed 'more responsible and mature'. But she never ever hated me. We still remained the best of friends.
After she finished school, she decided to work and didn't want to pursue her studies. My parents, flexible as they were (or maybe they couldn't care less), just lets her do whatever she pleases. She worked at some book store for a while, then she landed a job as a receptionist in an insurance company, and there she remained up to this day. She got herself a boyfriend when she started working, and she makes me tag along whenever she wants to go out on dates. I hated that! But I did it, for her sake. Soon after, we started drifting apart as she got closer with the bf.. and after I finished school, I went to uni. My first time ever leaving the house. Though it was still in the same district, I hardly ever came home. She was busy with her life, and I with mine.
When I was in second year, she got married at the age of 21. My parents, again, didn't object. Perhaps they view it better for her to have someone else look after her for a change. Perhaps they hoped this guy would be able to tame her. Hahaha. I, of all people, felt the loss of my best friend and confidante when she got hitched. I tried to talk to her about it, but she tried to convince me that things will still be as they were. She was definitely wrong. I dropped tears, the day she got married, coz I know things are gonna be different from then on.
Another reason why I decided to move away after I finished studying. I don't have my sister anymore. She was someone's wife, and she didn't have that much time for me. I understood, I wasn't mad. I get the change of things with the changing times, and I accepted it. Since then, our communication is mostly through sms. We hardly talk anymore, and even when I do go back, we can't seem to have the heart-to-heart talks anymore. She has a husband and kids to take care of, and I'm still basically a kid inside.
Yesterday, I asked her to draw me the map to the hall where I plan to have my wedding reception in JB for me to print the invitation cards. She did, and she faxed it to me a while ago. And suddenly, I received an sms from her. And we exchanged smses.... hers in red, my replies in blue.
x lama lg adk da nk kawin ek. suma dah ada tnggungn fmly sndri. i was just thinkin bout our lives separately. sedih gak.
hahahaha. i have been thnkng abt that the whole time. well this is exactly how i felt when U got married. i felt like i lost u 2.
maybe coz i was da 1st going thru da marriage thing thinking i still have u 2 turn 2. now akk bley rasa some things r abt 2 change. feels weird.
thats how i've been feeling, ever since i was in uni. we drifted apart, and i missed u. thats also y i left home after. i have no one 2 turn 2 anymore.
n ure da main reason i got a hset. just 2 keep in touch wit u. coz we've grown so close i guess. wish we have more time 2 spend 2gether as naughty kids again ya.. :-)
yeah.. sedih la jugak. missed our times as kids. we used to do everythng 2gether kan? nakal gila kita dulu.
oh ye ke? sedih ek? hope we will not lose touch after u kawin. feel free 2 share thoughts wit me k. muah!
i'll try :) rindu time2 we used to talk abt everythng, masa kemas umah, cuci pinggan, kemas dapur, tak abis2 berbual sampai mak marah.
main air sampai banjir dlm umah, main ujan sampai kuyup, rosakkan tools abah semua. best kan masa kita kecik2?
aahhh dah la those are just memories now.. sweet memories. we grew up, and we each have our own lives now.
shed a tear coz i'm missin u i'm still alright 2 smile.. remember? (note: we used to be HUGE fans of GNR, STP and Aerosmith and all the big rock bands. this was one of our fav songs) those were the days. maybe we're close coz we've gone thru some tough times 2gether kan?
yup yup we sure had. but we survived 2gether kan? now these memories are kept in heart so dat mayb 1 day we shall tell our tales to our kids.
Us as kids.. at that time, we only had 1 BMX, and we shared that
When we were teens.. my last few years before Kakak got married..
I was smiling to myself throughout the day and night yesterday, thinking abt what she n I went through. We sure hell was naughty, and sooo close to each other. At that time, I didn't feel much of a sibling rivalry. We fought, yes, but never for more than half a day. Then we would just suddenly start talking to each other again, and forget that we fought earlier. And I miss those times. I miss Kakak. And now I know, so does she. *sigh*
Ahhhh the memories. I had a great childhood, if I may say so. And I had the BEST sister in the world, no matter how f*cked up she was, no matter how she changed, no matter how we are now. What we've had together, can never be replaced.
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Tuesday, April 26, 2005
kl... kl....
nope.. im not giving up blogging just yet.. yup it did bother me.. after all, i always thought, people won't say things that didn't at least have SOME truth in it, right? perhaps they're right in some sense... well.. have to just learn to live with critisism.. just wish they weren't so harsh.. oh well, enough about that.
anywayssss.. i've been busy up to my neck with work lately. my job, new post, in this newly set-up company, is really taking off and getting into full gear. and i don't just sit in the office anymore. i have to see people, learn new stuff, something i haven't done in a long long time, and otak berkarat tak ingat punya la. but im loving it! at least i feel somewhat useful now. but oh how i hate kl traffic!!!! i was in klcc first thing in the morning the past 2 days for presentations and stuff, and boy, driving into kl with the rush hour traffic, is really killing me. i know.. why didn't i take the lrt?? well, i had to take the laptop and projector with me, maka tubuh badanku yg halus mulus ni tak larat laa nak naik lrt... and yeah! i got lost both days!!!! punya lah bodoh dah brapa tahun dok kl, nak elak jam punya pasal, masuk jalan entah mana2 which ended up making me later than ever before. from klcc to shah alam also i can get lost. terror kan? bukan semua org boleh buat tau skill sesat2 ni. next time, im taking the lrt.
i have to go now. tired as hell, and i need sleep. still not succeeding gaining weight.. it just keeps going down *sigh*. malas la nak pikir. i think there's worms in my body, the size of loch ness monsters. kan?? possible?
tata all. and thanks, for all the pick-me-up kind words and all. to visitor1, i've read ur touching mail... and i can't believe i have that much impact on one person haha! im just a normal person laa.. will reply u soon.. i promise!!!! as soon as i have some free time.. do forgive me... k?
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anywayssss.. i've been busy up to my neck with work lately. my job, new post, in this newly set-up company, is really taking off and getting into full gear. and i don't just sit in the office anymore. i have to see people, learn new stuff, something i haven't done in a long long time, and otak berkarat tak ingat punya la. but im loving it! at least i feel somewhat useful now. but oh how i hate kl traffic!!!! i was in klcc first thing in the morning the past 2 days for presentations and stuff, and boy, driving into kl with the rush hour traffic, is really killing me. i know.. why didn't i take the lrt?? well, i had to take the laptop and projector with me, maka tubuh badanku yg halus mulus ni tak larat laa nak naik lrt... and yeah! i got lost both days!!!! punya lah bodoh dah brapa tahun dok kl, nak elak jam punya pasal, masuk jalan entah mana2 which ended up making me later than ever before. from klcc to shah alam also i can get lost. terror kan? bukan semua org boleh buat tau skill sesat2 ni. next time, im taking the lrt.
i have to go now. tired as hell, and i need sleep. still not succeeding gaining weight.. it just keeps going down *sigh*. malas la nak pikir. i think there's worms in my body, the size of loch ness monsters. kan?? possible?
tata all. and thanks, for all the pick-me-up kind words and all. to visitor1, i've read ur touching mail... and i can't believe i have that much impact on one person haha! im just a normal person laa.. will reply u soon.. i promise!!!! as soon as i have some free time.. do forgive me... k?
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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
no apologies
Hey! Yeah I haven't blogged in a while.. been busy.. and sort of infected with bahalog.. but mostly, just been busy with not much time to update. Nope, haven't given up yet. And yes, the comments on my tag ARE depressing, but hey, I'm not gonna give up writing just coz of some idiots, kan? I'm not deleting them either.. even though I can.. my baby (who I never said anything about sleeping with him and doing stuff in the bedroom when everyone else is asleep) once told me, idiots are born to be ignored. When are these people gonna learn?
Was just talking to Ain earlier, and she told me about how she got bombarded too in her blog. I was just telling her about how disheartening it is that blogs, nowadays, has to be sugar-coated, and suited to the readers eyes and mindset. When it is supposed to be MY blog, and I am supposed to be able to write anything I want, without caring much about anything else. And seriously, I don't. Yes, I do write very very personal things in it once in a while, but no one really knows me personally now do they? And modDs, my fiance, does know me personally, and I bet a few others too can verify that I was NOT trying to create an 'angelic' personality to make others praise me or like me or even accept me. Frankly, I don't even give a hoot.
So what is the suitable thing to be written in blogs then?? Certainly we can't talk politics, religious issues and such, for it might be a tad bit too sensitive for some, and our personal issues are too personal for others to read, neither can we say what's in our minds for we might get bombarded for the different views. No one's perfect.. and I never so much as THINK that I am. Sure you can criticize.. like Chi has done it before in HER OWN blog.. and no, I don't hate her for it.. everyone's entitled to their own opinions.. janji jangan kacau hidup orang lain dah la. Kan?
And so.. I owe no one any apologies.. and perhaps I will continue on writing what I want to write, or maybe I shall write according to what u guys want to read. Next time, send me suggestions on what I SHOULD write so as not to appear snobbish/macam bagus/pathetic/depressive/bad/jahat/tak Islam/apa2 yg seangkatan dengannya. Ok?? I'm a very liberal person.. so please.. send me an email or drop me a comment on what YOU want to read.
Or anyone out there wants me to just shut this site down? Or maybe want me to write about YOU?
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Was just talking to Ain earlier, and she told me about how she got bombarded too in her blog. I was just telling her about how disheartening it is that blogs, nowadays, has to be sugar-coated, and suited to the readers eyes and mindset. When it is supposed to be MY blog, and I am supposed to be able to write anything I want, without caring much about anything else. And seriously, I don't. Yes, I do write very very personal things in it once in a while, but no one really knows me personally now do they? And modDs, my fiance, does know me personally, and I bet a few others too can verify that I was NOT trying to create an 'angelic' personality to make others praise me or like me or even accept me. Frankly, I don't even give a hoot.
So what is the suitable thing to be written in blogs then?? Certainly we can't talk politics, religious issues and such, for it might be a tad bit too sensitive for some, and our personal issues are too personal for others to read, neither can we say what's in our minds for we might get bombarded for the different views. No one's perfect.. and I never so much as THINK that I am. Sure you can criticize.. like Chi has done it before in HER OWN blog.. and no, I don't hate her for it.. everyone's entitled to their own opinions.. janji jangan kacau hidup orang lain dah la. Kan?
And so.. I owe no one any apologies.. and perhaps I will continue on writing what I want to write, or maybe I shall write according to what u guys want to read. Next time, send me suggestions on what I SHOULD write so as not to appear snobbish/macam bagus/pathetic/depressive/bad/jahat/tak Islam/apa2 yg seangkatan dengannya. Ok?? I'm a very liberal person.. so please.. send me an email or drop me a comment on what YOU want to read.
Or anyone out there wants me to just shut this site down? Or maybe want me to write about YOU?
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Saturday, April 16, 2005
Through other lenses
I am not really in the mood to blog, or to do anything else. Nope, it's not the depression thing. It's... well.... I shall not say here. Let's just say I'm having a big big headache + body ache + all ache, and I didn't really sleep last night, had to jaga orang 'sakit', and I have to work today; so pardon me yeah? I'm a walking talking very much blur zombie today. Tapi Ninie dah sound coz I hardly update my blog nowadays. So I'm posting this, pics I compiled. Yes, we're still on the Lumut trip thing. Yup, this is YanZ; through someone else's lens. All the pics are candid, except the one of me smiling into the camera la. Not too bad huh?? *perasan*
Pics courtesy of some colleagues. Bila diorg amek these pics also I didn't realize
On another note, I just remembered that yesterday was Aariz's bday. This is Aariz, Apau and Tini's first (and only, at the moment) son. Yup, that's my eye behind him. I have this thing for babies.. especially cute and cheerful ones like aariz. We'll be going to his b'day party later.. Happy Birthday Aariz!!!
Cheers all. And remember, berhati2 di jalan raya. Ingatlah orang yang tersayang.
Sekian, terima kasih
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Pics courtesy of some colleagues. Bila diorg amek these pics also I didn't realize
On another note, I just remembered that yesterday was Aariz's bday. This is Aariz, Apau and Tini's first (and only, at the moment) son. Yup, that's my eye behind him. I have this thing for babies.. especially cute and cheerful ones like aariz. We'll be going to his b'day party later.. Happy Birthday Aariz!!!
Cheers all. And remember, berhati2 di jalan raya. Ingatlah orang yang tersayang.
Sekian, terima kasih
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Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Recharge
I'm back.. been back since yesterday actually, but was busy. I had a good 3 days n 3 nights holiday in Swiss Garden Damai Laut Lumut. It sure hell was fun, added with the fact that I got a whole lot closer to some colleagues, and suddenly, befriending old.. ehem.. middle-aged people aren't that bad after all. They know how to have fun too. Hehehe. We have the proof on tape...
Did I find my solace? I'm not so sure about that.. but I had 'me' time there, and I did some thinking.. though no solution was found, I got calmer. And I've been happier since I got back. And I had fun with the camera.. got some good shots, I think. Though I did forget all about the camera, forgot to charge the batteries and all towards the end, as the nights are filled with late-night sessions and activities hehehe. Not much of the dinner pics was taken, and no pics at all on Sunday. But what I have, I will share with u guys.. it's a beautiful place, really. Calm and soothing. I would recommend u guys to go there, if u don't mind the long drive through country roads.
Reflections.. the bridge heading there
The view along the hill going up to the resort
From rooms corridor
FUN AT THE BEACH
AT THE POOL
Sunset from my room
Evening sky
Me and sam, my colleague.. during dinner.. hehehehehe
More piccies, are uploaded here. I didn't upload all though. Malas. Hehehe. These are my fav pics.
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Did I find my solace? I'm not so sure about that.. but I had 'me' time there, and I did some thinking.. though no solution was found, I got calmer. And I've been happier since I got back. And I had fun with the camera.. got some good shots, I think. Though I did forget all about the camera, forgot to charge the batteries and all towards the end, as the nights are filled with late-night sessions and activities hehehe. Not much of the dinner pics was taken, and no pics at all on Sunday. But what I have, I will share with u guys.. it's a beautiful place, really. Calm and soothing. I would recommend u guys to go there, if u don't mind the long drive through country roads.
Reflections.. the bridge heading there
The view along the hill going up to the resort
From rooms corridor
FUN AT THE BEACH
AT THE POOL
Sunset from my room
Evening sky
Me and sam, my colleague.. during dinner.. hehehehehe
More piccies, are uploaded here. I didn't upload all though. Malas. Hehehe. These are my fav pics.
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Thursday, April 07, 2005
Biji Kopi dan Daun Teh
Tiring isn't it? To keep reading about my depression? Well, I'm trying my best here. Nope, it's not completely gone. These things, just keep on coming to push me further and further down this deep dark evil big bad hole.
But I'm still alive.
And breathing.
I'm going away, to Damai Laut Lumut, to find solace, for a few days. Naaa I'm lying. I'm going away for my company's family day cum annual dinner. But why not kill a few birds with one stone ey? So, I am going, in desperate search of solace, where it isn't found anywhere in this big city we live in.
I wanna remember.. and I wanna feel...
The soft sand beneath my feet, no matter how scorching hot the sun made it.
The sea breeze, tugging at my hair and face and the oh-so-little clothes I'll be wearing (teehee).
The warm salty water, as I lay in it and let the waves take me on their journey.
I wanna see beyond the horizon, to look as far as I could with my myopic eyesight, and see nothing but blue blue endless ocean.
I wanna sit, and just enjoy nature, hopefully able to think about nothing; hours on end without any commitment to do anything at all.
Being alone. Though I wish with all my heart that I could take modDs along with me, coz I sure am gonna miss him like hell, for the 3 days and 3 nights I would be gone. Next year we go together k baby? I would be thinking of you ALL the time...
I don't really intend to forget my troubles.
Nor do I somehow believe that all this will magically disappear and everything will be fine and dandy when I get back.
I just wanna be happy again.
So I'm going, with the mission to search and rescue myself from depression. I am going to find that solace I seek for so desperately. I am going to find my old self again.
And I will try my best to brush up on my photography, and take as many good pictures as possible. I so hope I can get pics of sunrise and sunset by the beach.
I will. I will.
For now, to make me smile again, I wanna bring back memories. Pardon the quality of the picture below. This was taken using a Palm, somewhere in November of 2003. It's a pic of me, Mynn and Ijal at Coffee Bean Bangsar; taken by Naquib, the owner of the Palm mentioned. Naquib is also the guy who introduced me to modDs btw. At that time, I was still dealing with breakup, and everyone says I was skinny as hell. And look at me now. Even skinnier. Hahaha. A few days after, I was introduced to modDs. And my dear friend Naquib, told me the day after, "Modak tanya I pasal u siottt!!! Gila la yan!! I tak pernah dengar Modak tanya pasal pompuan selama I kenal dia bertahun2!!!" I brushed that statement off, but smiled in my heart.
Few weeks after, we have gotten quite close with each other. One normal meeting night at Hartamas Square.. I was browsing through his phone....
Y : "Eh!!! Ni gambar I ngan Mynn ngan Ijal! How come u have it in your phone???"
M : *utterly embarrassed sebab kantoi depan mata cepat2 try nak kaver tapi muka memang dah nampak sangat termalu* "Errmmmm.. Naquib yang bagi kot? Entah, I pun lupa."
Y : *looks at him suspiciously, don't want to embarrass him further, closes that topic with a big big smile in heart... sambil tu pikir dlm hati, "muahahaha kantoi suka aku!! kantoi simpan gambar aku!! muahahah gila cute!!!"*
And yeah, Naquib did tell me afterwards, that modDs was browsing through his Palm, saw the picture with me in it, and asked Naquib to transfer that pic into his phone. Nyehehehehe.
So cute kan? Zaman muda2 remaja duluuuu...
I like this pic.. we all look good.. and I look sooo much healthier.. demmm
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But I'm still alive.
And breathing.
I'm going away, to Damai Laut Lumut, to find solace, for a few days. Naaa I'm lying. I'm going away for my company's family day cum annual dinner. But why not kill a few birds with one stone ey? So, I am going, in desperate search of solace, where it isn't found anywhere in this big city we live in.
I wanna remember.. and I wanna feel...
The soft sand beneath my feet, no matter how scorching hot the sun made it.
The sea breeze, tugging at my hair and face and the oh-so-little clothes I'll be wearing (teehee).
The warm salty water, as I lay in it and let the waves take me on their journey.
I wanna see beyond the horizon, to look as far as I could with my myopic eyesight, and see nothing but blue blue endless ocean.
I wanna sit, and just enjoy nature, hopefully able to think about nothing; hours on end without any commitment to do anything at all.
Being alone. Though I wish with all my heart that I could take modDs along with me, coz I sure am gonna miss him like hell, for the 3 days and 3 nights I would be gone. Next year we go together k baby? I would be thinking of you ALL the time...
I don't really intend to forget my troubles.
Nor do I somehow believe that all this will magically disappear and everything will be fine and dandy when I get back.
I just wanna be happy again.
So I'm going, with the mission to search and rescue myself from depression. I am going to find that solace I seek for so desperately. I am going to find my old self again.
And I will try my best to brush up on my photography, and take as many good pictures as possible. I so hope I can get pics of sunrise and sunset by the beach.
I will. I will.
For now, to make me smile again, I wanna bring back memories. Pardon the quality of the picture below. This was taken using a Palm, somewhere in November of 2003. It's a pic of me, Mynn and Ijal at Coffee Bean Bangsar; taken by Naquib, the owner of the Palm mentioned. Naquib is also the guy who introduced me to modDs btw. At that time, I was still dealing with breakup, and everyone says I was skinny as hell. And look at me now. Even skinnier. Hahaha. A few days after, I was introduced to modDs. And my dear friend Naquib, told me the day after, "Modak tanya I pasal u siottt!!! Gila la yan!! I tak pernah dengar Modak tanya pasal pompuan selama I kenal dia bertahun2!!!" I brushed that statement off, but smiled in my heart.
Few weeks after, we have gotten quite close with each other. One normal meeting night at Hartamas Square.. I was browsing through his phone....
Y : "Eh!!! Ni gambar I ngan Mynn ngan Ijal! How come u have it in your phone???"
M : *utterly embarrassed sebab kantoi depan mata cepat2 try nak kaver tapi muka memang dah nampak sangat termalu* "Errmmmm.. Naquib yang bagi kot? Entah, I pun lupa."
Y : *looks at him suspiciously, don't want to embarrass him further, closes that topic with a big big smile in heart... sambil tu pikir dlm hati, "muahahaha kantoi suka aku!! kantoi simpan gambar aku!! muahahah gila cute!!!"*
And yeah, Naquib did tell me afterwards, that modDs was browsing through his Palm, saw the picture with me in it, and asked Naquib to transfer that pic into his phone. Nyehehehehe.
So cute kan? Zaman muda2 remaja duluuuu...
I like this pic.. we all look good.. and I look sooo much healthier.. demmm
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Monday, April 04, 2005
unknown number
Day : Friday
Time : 9.30 p.m.
sms from kakak : akak carikan amy keje kat bank kat tmn u. haritu she said dia nak keje dulu baru continue studies. org dah offer proper job, dia taknak.
yanz reply : hmm.. lantak dia la.. nak keje mcd sampai tua pun sukati dia la. im too tired to say anything. malas dah.
sms from kakak : tu la dia.. bodo betul, org susah2 carikan dia keje elok2 gaji pun ok. dia pulak tanak.
*yanz malas reply dah.. no point joining kakak to kutuk amy further*
Day : Saturday
Time : 10.30 p.m.
Place: Bullet's party, Darby Park
modDs : B, phone call. Mak. *pass his phone*
*yanz looked at him, took the phone, and ran out of apartment to answer call*
yanz : hello?
mak : Dik, apasal call phone adik tak answer? kat mana ni bising2 tadi An angkat phone??
yanz : ermmmmm.. sorry.. my phone was in my bag.. tak dengar. kat tempat makan ni... *rasa bersalah kena tipu mak lagi*
mak : kenapa An dengar pulak phone dia?
yanz : phone dia dlm pocket la mak.. mine is in the bag. hhmmmm mak kat spore ke? how are you?
mak : ouh, ok. ha'ah kat spore. amy ada ni kat sini. ni dah semayang belum ni? apasal keluar makan lambat?
yanz : ermm... ni baru rasa lapar. eh mak, i heard kakak carikan amy keje bank but dia tanak? why? takkan dia nak keje mcdonald's sampai tua?
mak : haa.. tu lah kakak carikan dia keje. but amy kata dia nak keje sekejap aje, then dia nak sambung blaja.
yanz : dia dah carik belum mak? adik suruh dia tanyakan hospitals semua for the nursing college. asked her to enroll. dia dah buat belum?
mak : entah dia. kejap talk to her.
amy : hello?
yanz : haa.. dah carik belum the nursing school yg angah suruh?
amy : dahh.. amy tanya kat specialist dia kata for this year's intake dah full. kena tunggu next year.
yanz : laa tanya la government punya. specialist memang la susah nak dpt. dah try tanya kat government belum?
amy : kena try yg government ke? susah la.. leceh.. kena amek borang SPA la, bla bla bla. amy takde time nak pergi.. keje kan.
yanz : laa ye la.. abis ingat senang ke ni semua? private memang la susah nak dpt. just try ur luck for the government laa.. maybe boleh dpt loan. government senang sikit nak dpt loan. nursing college or ypj or ikm pun ada banyak nursing courses la. carik la mi. jangan la malas2. kalau betul taknak study, find a proper job la. kata nak keje one year ke apa dulu. tu along dah carikan kat bank apasal taknak? at least gaji lagi better...
amy : orang nak keje kejap je la.. biarlah amy nak keje kat mcd. along tu pandai2 carikan keje. dia kata, susah2 keje je terus. taknak la amy! nanti la org carik kat government. leceh la.
yanz : ye la leceh.. abis nak blaja kena la buat sendiri. siapa suruh dapat result teruk? kan susah dah nak sambung blaja.. dari dulu org pesan taknak denga...
amy : aaahhh eleh.. macam la dia pandai sangat! keja bagus pun asek takde duit je.. malas la cakap ngan dia!! *pass phone to mak*
yanz : *sigh*....
mak : hello dik?
yanz : u heard that right? adik ckp ngan dia baik2, dia cakap macam tu.. how do u expect me to guide her?
mak : entah la dik.. kesian la dia.. takde org nak guide dia.. adik tak blh tlg carikan college utk dia?
yanz : mak, adik kat kl tau. kerja lagi. time bila pulak nak pergi tanyakan? suruh la dia carik sendiri.. sendiri kena usaha la.. dulu adik nak blaja pun carik sendiri. mak suruh la dia cari.. takkan semua nak expect orang spoon-feed? jangan la manjakan dia sangat...
mak : hmmm entah la. dah la dik. ok eh? u take care. bye
yanz : *stare at the wall* *sigh* *longer sigh* *termenung kejap* *walk slowly back to apartment*
modDs: kenapa b? mak cakap apa?
yanz : same old. malas la nak cakap. i dont wanna lose my mood.
modDs: ok.. dah takyah pikir dah.. *hug n kiss on cheek*
yanz : *smile n feel better*
|
Time : 9.30 p.m.
sms from kakak : akak carikan amy keje kat bank kat tmn u. haritu she said dia nak keje dulu baru continue studies. org dah offer proper job, dia taknak.
yanz reply : hmm.. lantak dia la.. nak keje mcd sampai tua pun sukati dia la. im too tired to say anything. malas dah.
sms from kakak : tu la dia.. bodo betul, org susah2 carikan dia keje elok2 gaji pun ok. dia pulak tanak.
*yanz malas reply dah.. no point joining kakak to kutuk amy further*
Day : Saturday
Time : 10.30 p.m.
Place: Bullet's party, Darby Park
modDs : B, phone call. Mak. *pass his phone*
*yanz looked at him, took the phone, and ran out of apartment to answer call*
yanz : hello?
mak : Dik, apasal call phone adik tak answer? kat mana ni bising2 tadi An angkat phone??
yanz : ermmmmm.. sorry.. my phone was in my bag.. tak dengar. kat tempat makan ni... *rasa bersalah kena tipu mak lagi*
mak : kenapa An dengar pulak phone dia?
yanz : phone dia dlm pocket la mak.. mine is in the bag. hhmmmm mak kat spore ke? how are you?
mak : ouh, ok. ha'ah kat spore. amy ada ni kat sini. ni dah semayang belum ni? apasal keluar makan lambat?
yanz : ermm... ni baru rasa lapar. eh mak, i heard kakak carikan amy keje bank but dia tanak? why? takkan dia nak keje mcdonald's sampai tua?
mak : haa.. tu lah kakak carikan dia keje. but amy kata dia nak keje sekejap aje, then dia nak sambung blaja.
yanz : dia dah carik belum mak? adik suruh dia tanyakan hospitals semua for the nursing college. asked her to enroll. dia dah buat belum?
mak : entah dia. kejap talk to her.
amy : hello?
yanz : haa.. dah carik belum the nursing school yg angah suruh?
amy : dahh.. amy tanya kat specialist dia kata for this year's intake dah full. kena tunggu next year.
yanz : laa tanya la government punya. specialist memang la susah nak dpt. dah try tanya kat government belum?
amy : kena try yg government ke? susah la.. leceh.. kena amek borang SPA la, bla bla bla. amy takde time nak pergi.. keje kan.
yanz : laa ye la.. abis ingat senang ke ni semua? private memang la susah nak dpt. just try ur luck for the government laa.. maybe boleh dpt loan. government senang sikit nak dpt loan. nursing college or ypj or ikm pun ada banyak nursing courses la. carik la mi. jangan la malas2. kalau betul taknak study, find a proper job la. kata nak keje one year ke apa dulu. tu along dah carikan kat bank apasal taknak? at least gaji lagi better...
amy : orang nak keje kejap je la.. biarlah amy nak keje kat mcd. along tu pandai2 carikan keje. dia kata, susah2 keje je terus. taknak la amy! nanti la org carik kat government. leceh la.
yanz : ye la leceh.. abis nak blaja kena la buat sendiri. siapa suruh dapat result teruk? kan susah dah nak sambung blaja.. dari dulu org pesan taknak denga...
amy : aaahhh eleh.. macam la dia pandai sangat! keja bagus pun asek takde duit je.. malas la cakap ngan dia!! *pass phone to mak*
yanz : *sigh*....
mak : hello dik?
yanz : u heard that right? adik ckp ngan dia baik2, dia cakap macam tu.. how do u expect me to guide her?
mak : entah la dik.. kesian la dia.. takde org nak guide dia.. adik tak blh tlg carikan college utk dia?
yanz : mak, adik kat kl tau. kerja lagi. time bila pulak nak pergi tanyakan? suruh la dia carik sendiri.. sendiri kena usaha la.. dulu adik nak blaja pun carik sendiri. mak suruh la dia cari.. takkan semua nak expect orang spoon-feed? jangan la manjakan dia sangat...
mak : hmmm entah la. dah la dik. ok eh? u take care. bye
yanz : *stare at the wall* *sigh* *longer sigh* *termenung kejap* *walk slowly back to apartment*
modDs: kenapa b? mak cakap apa?
yanz : same old. malas la nak cakap. i dont wanna lose my mood.
modDs: ok.. dah takyah pikir dah.. *hug n kiss on cheek*
yanz : *smile n feel better*
|
Saturday, April 02, 2005
Boulevard
I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...
..... and the depression continues on.....
|
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone
Read between the lines
What's fucked up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a...
I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...
..... and the depression continues on.....
|
