Monday, March 28, 2005
Unsent
Dear Abah,
I miss you. I miss our times. I missed the solace I used to seek from you. Abah, we don't even speak anymore. You don't call, and neither do I. I know you're busy taking care of your family, battling with the financial constraints of a retired man, battling the never-ending struggle with your wife, and your younger kids. I know, and I understand. I just wanted to let you know my feelings. No matter how much time I spend with you nowadays, no matter how often I go back, we can never go back to the way we used to. I miss our drives, I miss the football matches, I miss when you used to tell me everything in your life, and you were just about the only one who is willing to listen to me complain too. I miss the times when we only had each other. Now, you're shared between so many who needs you more than I do, and I am more than willing to back away. I just wish I don't feel so distant from you now. There's just sooo many things happening in my life that you don't know. And the same goes for you. Perhaps, we don't even know each other anymore. I wish I could run to you and tell you everything, but time passed, and with it the stories perish.
Thank you for the times we had, thank you for loving me. Thank you for the freedom you granted me to carve my own way in life. I will always be your girl, no matter how grown up I am. I never blamed you for anything that happened Abah, I accept fate and I accept my life as it is. I am going to be someone's wife soon Bah, and I thank you for the support you have given to us. Thank you, for accepting him. He is the best one for me Abah. God knows what would have happened to me if not for him. He took care of me just as how you would. Perhaps I will not be needy anymore after I'm married, but deep down I know I can never get over the feeling of missing you. The past is past, but certain things I hold deep down in my heart. Be the father that you were to me to your kids, and I'm sure they will grow up fine. You don't have to worry about me anymore, though I still want you to care. I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations, I'm sorry for ever making you think I am your only hope. I can't hold that big of a responsibility Abah. I am just a normal person, who is struggling with her own life. I am so sorry I couldn't be much more of a help. I'm sorry if I ever disappointed you. I tried my best Abah, and I still am trying. I don't blame you for the lack of guidance, I am grateful to you for letting me make my own decisions, and learn through experience when I decide wrong. I learnt so much through the freedom you gave me, and all those I've learnt are priceless, and I could never have known life, if you held an umbrella above my head at all times.
Abah, I learnt that living is hard. I learnt how tough, hard, difficult and cruel life can be. I'm trying hard to be the best that I can, but even surviving is tough for me. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed that this, is the best that I can do. Disappointed that I can't be much of a help, and of always being broke, and for living a life I thought of as my own, but being a failure at it. I'm ashamed Abah. You always thought I was the strong one, the independant one, but I am getting exhausted Abah. I'm tired of living this way and not getting anywhere. I'm burning off, and I have no more solace. I used to be able to run to you, when the going gets tough, when I'm tired of this place. Now, I simply have nowhere else to run to. When I get tired and lonely and depressed, I look for solace and I can't seem to find it anymore. Wish there was still place for me around you, but the sad reality is, it's not there anymore. I have nowhere to run to Abah, and I am sad for that. I can't keep running back to him Abah, he's tired enough of looking after your difficult daughter. I can't expect him to be my safety net at all times. He had to endure my emotions, my sickness and my welfare, and all that is too much for one person to handle.
Abah, you can let go of me to live on my own, for I have grown up enough. But I wish I still have you Abah. I miss you, I really do. And I love you as I have before, and it will always remain the same if not more, no matter what happens. I just ask you to please take care of Amy. She is not Kakak, and she is definitely not me. She is not yet able to live on her own, and she needs you. Guide her Abah, please don't neglect her yet. She is having it difficult and she still can't think for herself. And please don't neglect Mak. She is getting old, and she feels that no one cares for her, not even her husband. She is lonely Abah, and I know she can be difficult, but she is still the mother of your 3 daughters. I wish I can give her all she wants, but I am not yet able. I need you to look after Mak. Thank you.
Love always,
Adik
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Dear Mak,
I'm sorry. We never did have that mother-daughter relationship the rest of them have, and no matter how hard we try, we never could reach that stage. I'm so sorry for not ever being able to open up to you, for us never being able to see eye to eye. God knows how much I wish I can run to you for every problem I have, for a girl to girl talk. I wish I cry with you. I'm sorry for not talking more to you, for choosing this path. I know you wish for me to be near, and it saddens me Mak. It makes me sad, how I always have to be someone else in front of you. How I try so hard to be the daughter you want me to be, instead of who I really am whenever I'm with you. I don't know why it's this way, but I just can't hurt you anymore after all that you've been through all these years. I can't let you have another rebel as a daughter, which is why I have to put on this mask whenever I'm with you. I'm so sorry for never letting you see and get to know the real me.
Mak, sometimes I wish you'd listen. I try Mak, to talk to you time and again. I call you frequently don't I? I want to let you in on my life. But I can never tell you anything, because I'd be interrupted by your constant complaints about Abah, Kakak and her family, and Amy. I understand, I am the only one who'd listen. I do try, as a filial daughter would, but if you could only give me the chance to tell you things about myself. I do pity you Mak, and not a day passes by that I don't feel sad for not being able to fulfill your wishes. I know you still don't understand why I chose to be far, and I can never explain it to you, I just need you to understand that there is no place for me near anymore. I wish I can provide you with the house you've always wanted for your own, for your own privacy to retire and rest, and for you to constantly be with Amy. I understand your loneliness, your sickness and all. I hate myself for not being able to comply. I hate it that you are constantly unhappy and in pain, and I hate it coz you feel neglected. I hate to trouble you any more than what you're enduring, and so I shall always be strong in front of you, no matter how weary I am. I am here Mak. Yes, I am far, but I am still yours till the end. No matter how distant we are in person and at heart, you gave birth to me and I love you as my mother still.
I know I don't listen to you much, I know I keep doing things behind your back. I protect you from the truth about things sometimes. I just had to spare you the extra heartache. I will not be the one you cry about. Never drop tears for me Mak. Enough tears have u dropped in your lifetime. I promise to always try to be your pillar, and your listening ear, no matter what. Hold on a bit longer ok Mak? One day I will give you a better life than the one you have now. One day, you'll be able to rest and not worry about a thing. You won't have to feel pain or loneliness or suffer anymore. I will work hard to give you that life.
You don't always have to comply to them Mak. Leave that house if you're not happy. Don't spend any more for them. Kakak has grown up enough, and responsibility should have taught her to fend for her own family. You can't keep doing that for her anymore. You can't keep being her safety net. Don't let them step all over you Mak, Kakak and Amy both. You have to let them work their own way. You're getting old, you're not always fine, and you should keep your money for your ageing years. Their problems should be theirs, and not yours anymore. You have done enough for a lifetime. Please take care of yourself and your health. I hate it when you call me crying on the phone, telling me about their problems. It breaks my heart Mak, to constantly hear you cry. Which is why I cry on my own. Which is why I can't let you see or hear my own sadness. I can't put any more weight on you when the ones you're carrying now is more than you can bear.
I love you Mak, doesn't matter near or far. I try and am still trying to be a good daughter. I don't see you enough, but I always have you near. I vow to never be like Kakak when I get married. You'll see Mak. I will have a family of my own that you will be proud of. And I shall never burden you with my problems.
Missing you,
Adik
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Dear Kakak,
My God, how we have grown. You were always beside me when we were growing up. We did everything together didn't we? We never had secrets between us. You took care of me when we were younger, when we were constantly left by ourselves. We matured long before our time right? We had to play parent to each other to survive, with Mak and Abah always not being around. You taught me so much Kak, and all of which I am grateful for. I'm sorry for you, for not being able to pursue your dreams. I did it for you Kak. I went to Uni and I graduated for you. I let you live your dreams through me. I'm sorry you had to live in regret for not being a better person you could have been. I will always remember your words when I was in Uni. "Dik, belajar betul2 dik, make sure u graduate. Get a good job ok? Akak menyesal sangat tak belajar dulu lepas SPM, and now I can't move anywhere. I'm married and I have kids, and life is so hard now, with the little money we make. Adik grad tau, akak teringin sangat nak pergi tengok konvo and amek gambar."
Those words stayed with me Kak, and I realized that dream of yours. I wish Amy would see it that way too, before she makes the same mistake with her life. I missed us so much Kak, I missed us running around, playing about, without a care in the world. I miss our adventures. Remember how we used to take soooo long to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes and all? We talk all the time, we chat all day and night and never got bored. Somehow we fell apart after you left school, and I felt like I don't know you anymore. I was afraid Kak, of the person you became when you started becoming so angry with the world. I was afraid of the company you mixed with, of your constant fights with Mak and Abah. I wished you'd just accepted fate as I did, and lived with it the best you could. And now, I am sorry for the life you have to live now. I'm sorry about your constant fights with your husband, and I'm sorry you can't give more to Syahmi and Syafiq, coz I know that's what you want more than anything. I'm sorry for not being able to help you enough.
I just ask from you to be a bit more patient Kak. Try to handle your anger better. Please. Mak is afraid of living with you because she has to hear and see all this bad things happening in front of her eyes. Please be a bit more patient with Mak, she has no one else. You can't expect her to do everything. She is getting old, and taking care of 2 toddlers is not easy for her. Give her a break now and then Kak. And please be patient with Amy too. I know how stubborn and degil she is. She is after all, still a child at heart. Scolding her all the time gets you nowhere. Try talking nicely once in a while. She will eventually listen.
Take care ok Kak? Though our communication is mostly through sms now, I do always think of you. And I pray you'll have a better life. I want to help as much as I can, but there is only so much I can do. Everyone needs my help, and I'm trying my best. I am sad that we have to be this distant and we don't know each other anymore, but perhaps this is the only way we have to be. I love you, and I love your boys as if they were my own. Send my love to them, and tell Abang Mas to please be more patient too.
Your sister,
Dian
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Dear Amy,
Did you look around for colleges like I asked you to? I hope you did. Continue studying Amy. There is only so far you can go if you want to work straight after school. If only you had listened to me to study harder, your results could be better and it wouldn't be so difficult to continue studying now. It's hard for me to believe you're done schooling. It seems only yesterday you were just a baby. You were always the little one, with us being 7 years apart. You are more like a child to me Amy, not a sister. I feel like I practically raised you. Along and I took turns to make you food and milk formula, we changed your diapers, we put you to sleep, we bathed you. And I took full responsibility of you when you started schooling. Remember I was there on your first day at kindergarten and Standard 1? I ironed your clothes daily, I made you breakfast, I made sure you did your homework, I packed your books and bag, I tried to teach you as much as I can, though I always end up frustrated. You were such a difficult child! Must be the last child manja thing. I can't really beat you since you were young. I never really had the heart to scold you, no matter if you're kurang ajar. I prefer to ignore you than to scold you. I always feared you would have the same temper as Along, and I think I'm right.
I'm sorry I left Amy. I left for Uni when you were in Standard 5, and I never really came back did I? I was afraid I spoilt you too much Amy. Mummy and Abah never really scolded you much right? Perhaps all that led to you being used to 'kena suap'. You never did fully grow up. All I hear from you when I see you is, how hard you have it in life. You constantly complain about how you have to clean the house, about how Abah scolds you, about how his wife treated you. I'm sorry Mimi. This is our life. You didn't have to go through the constant fighting and screaming as Along and I had, you were too little to remember then. When you grew up, things are just as they were. I'm sorry that you don't remember much of your childhood, and the only thing you know, is how Mummy and Abah can't stay together and you're stuck with Abah. Accept it Amy. Yes, it's hard. We've all been through it. We've all done it. We were the housekeeper, we were the wives. Our time has passed, and now it is your turn. Don't complain Amy, you can't change things. You can only live it the best you could. Never blame Mummy or Abah for what happened. This is fate. Never blame the situation. Please don't make the same mistake Along did. I don't want you to live in regret. Take my word for it, no matter how crappy it sounds. I have been through everything Amy, and the experience taught me so much. I love you too much to let you learn life the hard way. I don't want you to be afraid when you see how cruel the world is. I need you to grow up, and learn to survive. Please listen to my advice. No one else is gonna tell you what to do, and you simply can't think for yourself. I left Amy, partly because I wanted you to fend for yourself. I want you to learn to be independant.
I'm so so sorry for the crappy life you had.. if there is only something I could do to make all that disappear. All I wanted for you, is to make the best out of life. Make the best out of it, and learn to be happy. Be a bit more patient Amy, and try to talk nicely to everyone. Have respect. No one would scold you if you didn't make mistakes. Everything happens for a reason Amy, one day you would understand. For now, just be patient ok? Everything will be all right dear.. I love you, no matter how far away I am. I'm sorry for not letting you come to KL with me. I want to protect you from the harsh reality in this big city. You're better off there, everyone's there to look after you, and it's not such a rat race. I'm sorry too for making you feel like you lost me. I just had to go Amy, I had to build my own life or I will forever be stuck there living a lie. I hope you understand.
Please take care of yourself, and try to listen to Mummy and Abah. They only want the best of you, so try not to talk back too much ok?
Love,
Angah
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I miss you. I miss our times. I missed the solace I used to seek from you. Abah, we don't even speak anymore. You don't call, and neither do I. I know you're busy taking care of your family, battling with the financial constraints of a retired man, battling the never-ending struggle with your wife, and your younger kids. I know, and I understand. I just wanted to let you know my feelings. No matter how much time I spend with you nowadays, no matter how often I go back, we can never go back to the way we used to. I miss our drives, I miss the football matches, I miss when you used to tell me everything in your life, and you were just about the only one who is willing to listen to me complain too. I miss the times when we only had each other. Now, you're shared between so many who needs you more than I do, and I am more than willing to back away. I just wish I don't feel so distant from you now. There's just sooo many things happening in my life that you don't know. And the same goes for you. Perhaps, we don't even know each other anymore. I wish I could run to you and tell you everything, but time passed, and with it the stories perish.
Thank you for the times we had, thank you for loving me. Thank you for the freedom you granted me to carve my own way in life. I will always be your girl, no matter how grown up I am. I never blamed you for anything that happened Abah, I accept fate and I accept my life as it is. I am going to be someone's wife soon Bah, and I thank you for the support you have given to us. Thank you, for accepting him. He is the best one for me Abah. God knows what would have happened to me if not for him. He took care of me just as how you would. Perhaps I will not be needy anymore after I'm married, but deep down I know I can never get over the feeling of missing you. The past is past, but certain things I hold deep down in my heart. Be the father that you were to me to your kids, and I'm sure they will grow up fine. You don't have to worry about me anymore, though I still want you to care. I'm sorry if I didn't live up to your expectations, I'm sorry for ever making you think I am your only hope. I can't hold that big of a responsibility Abah. I am just a normal person, who is struggling with her own life. I am so sorry I couldn't be much more of a help. I'm sorry if I ever disappointed you. I tried my best Abah, and I still am trying. I don't blame you for the lack of guidance, I am grateful to you for letting me make my own decisions, and learn through experience when I decide wrong. I learnt so much through the freedom you gave me, and all those I've learnt are priceless, and I could never have known life, if you held an umbrella above my head at all times.
Abah, I learnt that living is hard. I learnt how tough, hard, difficult and cruel life can be. I'm trying hard to be the best that I can, but even surviving is tough for me. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm disappointed that this, is the best that I can do. Disappointed that I can't be much of a help, and of always being broke, and for living a life I thought of as my own, but being a failure at it. I'm ashamed Abah. You always thought I was the strong one, the independant one, but I am getting exhausted Abah. I'm tired of living this way and not getting anywhere. I'm burning off, and I have no more solace. I used to be able to run to you, when the going gets tough, when I'm tired of this place. Now, I simply have nowhere else to run to. When I get tired and lonely and depressed, I look for solace and I can't seem to find it anymore. Wish there was still place for me around you, but the sad reality is, it's not there anymore. I have nowhere to run to Abah, and I am sad for that. I can't keep running back to him Abah, he's tired enough of looking after your difficult daughter. I can't expect him to be my safety net at all times. He had to endure my emotions, my sickness and my welfare, and all that is too much for one person to handle.
Abah, you can let go of me to live on my own, for I have grown up enough. But I wish I still have you Abah. I miss you, I really do. And I love you as I have before, and it will always remain the same if not more, no matter what happens. I just ask you to please take care of Amy. She is not Kakak, and she is definitely not me. She is not yet able to live on her own, and she needs you. Guide her Abah, please don't neglect her yet. She is having it difficult and she still can't think for herself. And please don't neglect Mak. She is getting old, and she feels that no one cares for her, not even her husband. She is lonely Abah, and I know she can be difficult, but she is still the mother of your 3 daughters. I wish I can give her all she wants, but I am not yet able. I need you to look after Mak. Thank you.
Love always,
Adik
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Dear Mak,
I'm sorry. We never did have that mother-daughter relationship the rest of them have, and no matter how hard we try, we never could reach that stage. I'm so sorry for not ever being able to open up to you, for us never being able to see eye to eye. God knows how much I wish I can run to you for every problem I have, for a girl to girl talk. I wish I cry with you. I'm sorry for not talking more to you, for choosing this path. I know you wish for me to be near, and it saddens me Mak. It makes me sad, how I always have to be someone else in front of you. How I try so hard to be the daughter you want me to be, instead of who I really am whenever I'm with you. I don't know why it's this way, but I just can't hurt you anymore after all that you've been through all these years. I can't let you have another rebel as a daughter, which is why I have to put on this mask whenever I'm with you. I'm so sorry for never letting you see and get to know the real me.
Mak, sometimes I wish you'd listen. I try Mak, to talk to you time and again. I call you frequently don't I? I want to let you in on my life. But I can never tell you anything, because I'd be interrupted by your constant complaints about Abah, Kakak and her family, and Amy. I understand, I am the only one who'd listen. I do try, as a filial daughter would, but if you could only give me the chance to tell you things about myself. I do pity you Mak, and not a day passes by that I don't feel sad for not being able to fulfill your wishes. I know you still don't understand why I chose to be far, and I can never explain it to you, I just need you to understand that there is no place for me near anymore. I wish I can provide you with the house you've always wanted for your own, for your own privacy to retire and rest, and for you to constantly be with Amy. I understand your loneliness, your sickness and all. I hate myself for not being able to comply. I hate it that you are constantly unhappy and in pain, and I hate it coz you feel neglected. I hate to trouble you any more than what you're enduring, and so I shall always be strong in front of you, no matter how weary I am. I am here Mak. Yes, I am far, but I am still yours till the end. No matter how distant we are in person and at heart, you gave birth to me and I love you as my mother still.
I know I don't listen to you much, I know I keep doing things behind your back. I protect you from the truth about things sometimes. I just had to spare you the extra heartache. I will not be the one you cry about. Never drop tears for me Mak. Enough tears have u dropped in your lifetime. I promise to always try to be your pillar, and your listening ear, no matter what. Hold on a bit longer ok Mak? One day I will give you a better life than the one you have now. One day, you'll be able to rest and not worry about a thing. You won't have to feel pain or loneliness or suffer anymore. I will work hard to give you that life.
You don't always have to comply to them Mak. Leave that house if you're not happy. Don't spend any more for them. Kakak has grown up enough, and responsibility should have taught her to fend for her own family. You can't keep doing that for her anymore. You can't keep being her safety net. Don't let them step all over you Mak, Kakak and Amy both. You have to let them work their own way. You're getting old, you're not always fine, and you should keep your money for your ageing years. Their problems should be theirs, and not yours anymore. You have done enough for a lifetime. Please take care of yourself and your health. I hate it when you call me crying on the phone, telling me about their problems. It breaks my heart Mak, to constantly hear you cry. Which is why I cry on my own. Which is why I can't let you see or hear my own sadness. I can't put any more weight on you when the ones you're carrying now is more than you can bear.
I love you Mak, doesn't matter near or far. I try and am still trying to be a good daughter. I don't see you enough, but I always have you near. I vow to never be like Kakak when I get married. You'll see Mak. I will have a family of my own that you will be proud of. And I shall never burden you with my problems.
Missing you,
Adik
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Kakak,
My God, how we have grown. You were always beside me when we were growing up. We did everything together didn't we? We never had secrets between us. You took care of me when we were younger, when we were constantly left by ourselves. We matured long before our time right? We had to play parent to each other to survive, with Mak and Abah always not being around. You taught me so much Kak, and all of which I am grateful for. I'm sorry for you, for not being able to pursue your dreams. I did it for you Kak. I went to Uni and I graduated for you. I let you live your dreams through me. I'm sorry you had to live in regret for not being a better person you could have been. I will always remember your words when I was in Uni. "Dik, belajar betul2 dik, make sure u graduate. Get a good job ok? Akak menyesal sangat tak belajar dulu lepas SPM, and now I can't move anywhere. I'm married and I have kids, and life is so hard now, with the little money we make. Adik grad tau, akak teringin sangat nak pergi tengok konvo and amek gambar."
Those words stayed with me Kak, and I realized that dream of yours. I wish Amy would see it that way too, before she makes the same mistake with her life. I missed us so much Kak, I missed us running around, playing about, without a care in the world. I miss our adventures. Remember how we used to take soooo long to clean up the kitchen and wash the dishes and all? We talk all the time, we chat all day and night and never got bored. Somehow we fell apart after you left school, and I felt like I don't know you anymore. I was afraid Kak, of the person you became when you started becoming so angry with the world. I was afraid of the company you mixed with, of your constant fights with Mak and Abah. I wished you'd just accepted fate as I did, and lived with it the best you could. And now, I am sorry for the life you have to live now. I'm sorry about your constant fights with your husband, and I'm sorry you can't give more to Syahmi and Syafiq, coz I know that's what you want more than anything. I'm sorry for not being able to help you enough.
I just ask from you to be a bit more patient Kak. Try to handle your anger better. Please. Mak is afraid of living with you because she has to hear and see all this bad things happening in front of her eyes. Please be a bit more patient with Mak, she has no one else. You can't expect her to do everything. She is getting old, and taking care of 2 toddlers is not easy for her. Give her a break now and then Kak. And please be patient with Amy too. I know how stubborn and degil she is. She is after all, still a child at heart. Scolding her all the time gets you nowhere. Try talking nicely once in a while. She will eventually listen.
Take care ok Kak? Though our communication is mostly through sms now, I do always think of you. And I pray you'll have a better life. I want to help as much as I can, but there is only so much I can do. Everyone needs my help, and I'm trying my best. I am sad that we have to be this distant and we don't know each other anymore, but perhaps this is the only way we have to be. I love you, and I love your boys as if they were my own. Send my love to them, and tell Abang Mas to please be more patient too.
Your sister,
Dian
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Amy,
Did you look around for colleges like I asked you to? I hope you did. Continue studying Amy. There is only so far you can go if you want to work straight after school. If only you had listened to me to study harder, your results could be better and it wouldn't be so difficult to continue studying now. It's hard for me to believe you're done schooling. It seems only yesterday you were just a baby. You were always the little one, with us being 7 years apart. You are more like a child to me Amy, not a sister. I feel like I practically raised you. Along and I took turns to make you food and milk formula, we changed your diapers, we put you to sleep, we bathed you. And I took full responsibility of you when you started schooling. Remember I was there on your first day at kindergarten and Standard 1? I ironed your clothes daily, I made you breakfast, I made sure you did your homework, I packed your books and bag, I tried to teach you as much as I can, though I always end up frustrated. You were such a difficult child! Must be the last child manja thing. I can't really beat you since you were young. I never really had the heart to scold you, no matter if you're kurang ajar. I prefer to ignore you than to scold you. I always feared you would have the same temper as Along, and I think I'm right.
I'm sorry I left Amy. I left for Uni when you were in Standard 5, and I never really came back did I? I was afraid I spoilt you too much Amy. Mummy and Abah never really scolded you much right? Perhaps all that led to you being used to 'kena suap'. You never did fully grow up. All I hear from you when I see you is, how hard you have it in life. You constantly complain about how you have to clean the house, about how Abah scolds you, about how his wife treated you. I'm sorry Mimi. This is our life. You didn't have to go through the constant fighting and screaming as Along and I had, you were too little to remember then. When you grew up, things are just as they were. I'm sorry that you don't remember much of your childhood, and the only thing you know, is how Mummy and Abah can't stay together and you're stuck with Abah. Accept it Amy. Yes, it's hard. We've all been through it. We've all done it. We were the housekeeper, we were the wives. Our time has passed, and now it is your turn. Don't complain Amy, you can't change things. You can only live it the best you could. Never blame Mummy or Abah for what happened. This is fate. Never blame the situation. Please don't make the same mistake Along did. I don't want you to live in regret. Take my word for it, no matter how crappy it sounds. I have been through everything Amy, and the experience taught me so much. I love you too much to let you learn life the hard way. I don't want you to be afraid when you see how cruel the world is. I need you to grow up, and learn to survive. Please listen to my advice. No one else is gonna tell you what to do, and you simply can't think for yourself. I left Amy, partly because I wanted you to fend for yourself. I want you to learn to be independant.
I'm so so sorry for the crappy life you had.. if there is only something I could do to make all that disappear. All I wanted for you, is to make the best out of life. Make the best out of it, and learn to be happy. Be a bit more patient Amy, and try to talk nicely to everyone. Have respect. No one would scold you if you didn't make mistakes. Everything happens for a reason Amy, one day you would understand. For now, just be patient ok? Everything will be all right dear.. I love you, no matter how far away I am. I'm sorry for not letting you come to KL with me. I want to protect you from the harsh reality in this big city. You're better off there, everyone's there to look after you, and it's not such a rat race. I'm sorry too for making you feel like you lost me. I just had to go Amy, I had to build my own life or I will forever be stuck there living a lie. I hope you understand.
Please take care of yourself, and try to listen to Mummy and Abah. They only want the best of you, so try not to talk back too much ok?
Love,
Angah
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Friday, March 25, 2005
kanojyo wa daredeska?
That means "who is she?". Ok, what's with yanz writing in Japanese?? Hehehe.. tell u why.. coz of watashi wa atarashii tomodachi(my new friend). Well, she's not really a new friend.. known her quite some time since last year, but I met her for the first time Tuesday night. Ni nak cerita history sikit...
I've always been fascinated by Japan.. god knows why la.. and no, I do not share the same sentiment as the boys with the 'japanese schoolgirls' fantasy. Maybe it's all those dramas I used to watch, like GTO, Beautiful Life, and Friends. And also since I was always in S'pore, which is heavily influenced by Japanese street wear and fashion, I loved the bold sense too. I loved the language, and I do listen to some jap songs and my favourite is Kiroro's Mirai. Sangat the romantic. I loved the language so much, that I bought the "learn japanese" cd-rom in uni and learnt to speak the language just a bit, though I forgot them almost all now. Hehehe. I don't even know WHY I wanted to learn it in the first place. I even searched for the translation for the songs I used to listen to. I thought it was a very beautiful language, and yeah, japs girls and guys; are sooo kawaii(cute).
Not long after I started blogging, I stumbled upon Edri's blog. I didn't know at first that Edri was a girl. I read some posts, saw some pics, and left some comments, as I'm a true sucker of great piccies, and I especially LOVED the ones I saw with her ferrets. And Edri had a way of taking pics, she would use a certain subject, like say her ferrets, or her teddy bears, or her blythe dolls and made some sort of chronological pictorial story of them walking along the streets of Japan. It was waaayyy cool. I visited her blog frequently. And I started leaving more comments and tags. And I started reading her archives. That's when I learnt that she's a girl, and she's actually a Malaysian student living in Japan!!! Wow... how I envy the life she's living.. and the way she potrays herself and her pics, is like she's living her life to the fullest, going to beaches, festivals, parades, and all, and she's all I wanted to be.. having to be in the heart of it all, AND SHE HAS THE BEST WARDROBE!! *jeles jeles jeles*
One day I gathered enough courage and asked for her msn.. and she gave it to me.. and hence.. we started chatting. We hit it off right away!!! She was like the long-lost friend I never had.. my goodness, when we have one of our bitching-over-the-internet sessions, I would stay late in the office, and tap tap tap away at the keyboard.. we started wondering what it would be like if we met, since we could already chat sooo much over the net! She told me all about her life there in Japan, family, stuff, all, and before we know it, we're sharing our deepest darkest secrets. All this, with someone I NEVER met in my entire life. We have a lot of things in common, like our waistline, our background, she was schooling in JB, our spines(heheh I won't elaborate on that), our way of eating, the way we think.. I never found a person I could click with this easily. I told her all about my life and activities here, and I made her promise me that we'll meet the next time she's back. She complained that she doesn't really have much activity in KL, and hey, I was more than happy to promise to show her around and bring her to do MY kind of activities hehehe.
She came back last minute without notice, about 2 weeks ago, during the period which I only got to know she's here a few days after. But she left me a msg with her house number in it, and I called to arrange a meeting. Due to my bad bad health and her busy-ness going around to visit relatives and all, we only got to meet 2 days before she's due to fly back to Japan :( Me and modDs, drove down to Kajang at about 11 p.m. on a weekday to fetch her from her house. On other occassions, DO NOT expect us to drive to this part of town, which to me, is in another state altogether. It is all too foreign to me. And NOT on a week night. But hey, I just HAVE to meet edri, and modDs complied as I kept rambling on and on and on about her, about our chats, and about how i MUST meet her. And was I glad I did.. she's just the sweetest thing! Much prettier than the pics (Adori wa kawaii!!), much much bubblier (ada ke that word?) real life. May I add that she looks soooo Japanese herself hahaha. We only got to spend a bit of time, and we both didn't have cameras (bummer) though we took some pics using camera phone. We talked soooo much in the span of the short while!! After a while, modDs looked at us, smiled and said, "Sama lah korang ni.. gila kelakar.." Hehehehe. And she gave me this!!
How sweet kan?? It was nicely wrapped some more.. I LOVE IT!!! Soooo attitude that face.. boleh tukar2 baju, seluar and accessories lagi hehehe... she's now residing on the speaker on top of the tv at my house, but I'm figuring ways to get her into the car so I could take her with me everywhere. I feel like an ass for not getting her anything though... *sigh* And NOW, I am more determined that ever before to visit Edri in Japan.. one fine day. We'll collect money k darl?? U MUST bring us around, and just maybe, I might get that japanese schoolgirl outfit we were talking about. Hehehehe. And you HAVE to come back for the wedding.
To Edri, yoroshiku onegai shimasu, finally! Anata no youna tomodachi ga ite ureshii desu. Sugoi yo!!! Ogenki de ok darl? Muahhhhhxx!!!!
p/s: jgn percaya sangat yanz tulis jepun ni semua... entah betul entah tidak.. saya pakai belasah sahaja.. hehehe.. harap2 sapa2 yg berkenaan paham
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I've always been fascinated by Japan.. god knows why la.. and no, I do not share the same sentiment as the boys with the 'japanese schoolgirls' fantasy. Maybe it's all those dramas I used to watch, like GTO, Beautiful Life, and Friends. And also since I was always in S'pore, which is heavily influenced by Japanese street wear and fashion, I loved the bold sense too. I loved the language, and I do listen to some jap songs and my favourite is Kiroro's Mirai. Sangat the romantic. I loved the language so much, that I bought the "learn japanese" cd-rom in uni and learnt to speak the language just a bit, though I forgot them almost all now. Hehehe. I don't even know WHY I wanted to learn it in the first place. I even searched for the translation for the songs I used to listen to. I thought it was a very beautiful language, and yeah, japs girls and guys; are sooo kawaii(cute).
Not long after I started blogging, I stumbled upon Edri's blog. I didn't know at first that Edri was a girl. I read some posts, saw some pics, and left some comments, as I'm a true sucker of great piccies, and I especially LOVED the ones I saw with her ferrets. And Edri had a way of taking pics, she would use a certain subject, like say her ferrets, or her teddy bears, or her blythe dolls and made some sort of chronological pictorial story of them walking along the streets of Japan. It was waaayyy cool. I visited her blog frequently. And I started leaving more comments and tags. And I started reading her archives. That's when I learnt that she's a girl, and she's actually a Malaysian student living in Japan!!! Wow... how I envy the life she's living.. and the way she potrays herself and her pics, is like she's living her life to the fullest, going to beaches, festivals, parades, and all, and she's all I wanted to be.. having to be in the heart of it all, AND SHE HAS THE BEST WARDROBE!! *jeles jeles jeles*
One day I gathered enough courage and asked for her msn.. and she gave it to me.. and hence.. we started chatting. We hit it off right away!!! She was like the long-lost friend I never had.. my goodness, when we have one of our bitching-over-the-internet sessions, I would stay late in the office, and tap tap tap away at the keyboard.. we started wondering what it would be like if we met, since we could already chat sooo much over the net! She told me all about her life there in Japan, family, stuff, all, and before we know it, we're sharing our deepest darkest secrets. All this, with someone I NEVER met in my entire life. We have a lot of things in common, like our waistline, our background, she was schooling in JB, our spines(heheh I won't elaborate on that), our way of eating, the way we think.. I never found a person I could click with this easily. I told her all about my life and activities here, and I made her promise me that we'll meet the next time she's back. She complained that she doesn't really have much activity in KL, and hey, I was more than happy to promise to show her around and bring her to do MY kind of activities hehehe.
She came back last minute without notice, about 2 weeks ago, during the period which I only got to know she's here a few days after. But she left me a msg with her house number in it, and I called to arrange a meeting. Due to my bad bad health and her busy-ness going around to visit relatives and all, we only got to meet 2 days before she's due to fly back to Japan :( Me and modDs, drove down to Kajang at about 11 p.m. on a weekday to fetch her from her house. On other occassions, DO NOT expect us to drive to this part of town, which to me, is in another state altogether. It is all too foreign to me. And NOT on a week night. But hey, I just HAVE to meet edri, and modDs complied as I kept rambling on and on and on about her, about our chats, and about how i MUST meet her. And was I glad I did.. she's just the sweetest thing! Much prettier than the pics (Adori wa kawaii!!), much much bubblier (ada ke that word?) real life. May I add that she looks soooo Japanese herself hahaha. We only got to spend a bit of time, and we both didn't have cameras (bummer) though we took some pics using camera phone. We talked soooo much in the span of the short while!! After a while, modDs looked at us, smiled and said, "Sama lah korang ni.. gila kelakar.." Hehehehe. And she gave me this!!
How sweet kan?? It was nicely wrapped some more.. I LOVE IT!!! Soooo attitude that face.. boleh tukar2 baju, seluar and accessories lagi hehehe... she's now residing on the speaker on top of the tv at my house, but I'm figuring ways to get her into the car so I could take her with me everywhere. I feel like an ass for not getting her anything though... *sigh* And NOW, I am more determined that ever before to visit Edri in Japan.. one fine day. We'll collect money k darl?? U MUST bring us around, and just maybe, I might get that japanese schoolgirl outfit we were talking about. Hehehehe. And you HAVE to come back for the wedding.
To Edri, yoroshiku onegai shimasu, finally! Anata no youna tomodachi ga ite ureshii desu. Sugoi yo!!! Ogenki de ok darl? Muahhhhhxx!!!!
p/s: jgn percaya sangat yanz tulis jepun ni semua... entah betul entah tidak.. saya pakai belasah sahaja.. hehehe.. harap2 sapa2 yg berkenaan paham
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
malaikat rezeki
Today, I wanna blog about a friend of ours, Marcus. Well, he's actually modDs' friend la.. they're childhood friends who went to primary school together. Actually, modDs said he wanted to blog about Marcus, but I already told Marcus I was gonna do it and even gonna include a picture of him, though he said "eh, tak nak la.. malu!" Hehehe. Sorry Marcus, sini takde malu2. And sorry b, first come first serve yeah? Hehehe.. no la.. I'm actually bored with nothing to do.
Ok ok back to Marcus. Known him almost as long as I've known modDs, and he was one of the first of his friends I got close to. He's someone u can confide to, with ur problems and all. Always holds his promises, a true gentleman and all. Mungkin sebab dia bukan Melayu hehehe. He helps me a lot with research and stuff, in short, he will always help a friend in need. Marcus, never really strikes me as a Chinese. Since almost all his friends are malays. These Damansara boys, are really a fascinating lot. There's many colours; malays, chinese, malays who look like chinese, mat salleh who are actually muslims, chinese who looks like malay.. hehehe. Very colourful lot. But basically when they hang out, they only speak malay or english occassionally. Marcus look more like a Japanese I would say. With his style, and he's one of those very rare chinaman with lots of facial hair. Jambang dia, kalah melayu. Hehehe. Cuma dia putih n sepet gila2. Cakap melayu pun dah kalah kita semua I think.
He was always asking me to get him a girl.. but a Malay one. He's had many malay girlfriends in the past, never took a liking to chinese girls. And on one or two occassions, we talked about religion. He told me about his fascination of Islam, and how he wants to embrace it soon, regardless of whether he wants to marry a malay girl or not. I've always encouraged him and explained to him about Islam, and although I'm not really an ardent follower(yet, but I hope to be one), I'm a true believer. And I believe now he knows almost all the hukums already. Soon after, he met Izrin, and Marcus was in love. When she came back from Aussie a while back, I got the chance to meet her too, and to see the both of them together, now that's what I call love. I've never seen Marcus so passionate and serious before about a girl, and I know they will last. They've been together a while now, with both side's parents 'restu'. Izrin's family adored Marcus, and though Iz is back in Aussie, he sees them often. His own family never objected his decisions too.
Yesterday, he told me a great news on msn. He told me, he went to see an ustaz with Izrin's mom, and he finally embraced Islam. And he took on a new name, Mikail Zubir. I'm not sure what Zubir means, but I do know that Mikail is the angel who brings 'rezeki' to all. So, Marcus is now the malaikat rezeki, to all around him. I was sooooo happy to hear the news, and am now proud to announce that Mikail is now a part of the Islamic community. We met him last night, and he greeted us with "Assalamualaikum" instead of the usual "what's up?" He's now our brother. He finally took the next step, and we are proud of you man. You're gonna be a great muslim! CONGRATS!!
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Tuesday, March 22, 2005
my baby, the cow
Ermmm.. I meant my baby AND the cow, his good friend. Diorg pegi beli baju sama2 dulu kat Switzerland. Hehehe. Comel kan dia ni? Suka buat kelakar. Pic taken outside Marche at The Curve. Mula2 dia nak amek gambar konon2 isap.... ermm I better not continue that sentence. Hehehe.
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Monday, March 21, 2005
the weekend
I'm not really in a good mood today, am kinda sad, and confused. Reasons I am not gonna state here, coz I had a swell weekend and I don't wanna overshadow the happy things I'm about to write with my current mood. So here goes.. Yup yup. Had to work Saturday, it was so boring I left early. Hehehe. Didn't sleep proper Friday, but I lived through Saturday. That evening, went to The Curve (I'm sooo loving that place, you guys should check it out. They've got cool knick knacks at the afternoon flea market, and great makan places and the place is just sooo nice to chill at. Good view, and good music. Well, good ambience. Plus, it's a stone's throw away from my place ehehhehe), ate at Marche for the first time. They have swell food.. something not so ordinary. Met up with some old old friends from school as an attempt for a reunion. Well, Weween was the organizer, and though the initial response was good, only 5 of us turned up. Was kinda awkward at first, coz some of these girls I haven't met since Form 3, but hey, we broke the ice fast enough, and soon, stories dating back to Standard 1 was emerging, and before we know it, 3 and a half hours has passed. We talked and laughed and laughed, never knew 5 girls could make THAT much noise. We figured some girls had cold feet to meet, maybe it's something to do with meeting old friends and comparing success stories kinda thingy. Oh well. modDs came later in the night to meet us, and he had to hear girly stories hahaha and all. And they spilled the beans on what a brat I was in school. Hehehehe. I sure hell had fun!! And we all promised to do this again.
Later on in the night, moved on from The Curve to Hartamas Square, where I met Kar for the first time. Well, she was modDs' friend from UK. We talked and laughed some more together with Mr. Buge and Rini. By that time, I was kinda drained. Was breathless and tired. Hmmm.. and we didn't take piccies!! Damn!! Well, Kar, u know what this means. We HAVE to do this again, next time, with our digicam in hand. Me and modDs went home and watched DVD for the rest of the night. Edit: There's actually 2 parties that night, one in KL tower (Prodigy) and another in Sepang circuit. Quite tempting I must say, but we managed to push away all "suara2 setan" and we didn't go though my housemate went!! Good for us!!! *pat*pat*pat*
Sunday, we went to MAPEX 2005 (ehem ehem) at Mid-Valley. Must say it was educational.. learnt some stuff about owning a property. I would say, it's a close to impossible thing to achieve, especially if I would have to buy a house on my own. Note people, to own a small-sized landed property, with 30 years loan, and to pay about 800-900 bucks per month, you might be lucky and get it at Rawang or Balakong or some weird sungai names u never heard of. Generally, these places would be about an hour's or more drive to KL. *sigh*. That piece of info, is highly depressive to me. Well, we'll see what happens. Need some more planning before we put down any kind of deposit or downpayment. Nanti kita tengok ceruk mana kitorg beli umah k?
Tired (and asthmatic) from tawaf-ing around the exhibition centre, we sat and ate at the food court. Then we went jalan2 a while around.. been quite a long time since we were last at Mid-Valley. Had fun laughing and joking around with modDs, and people around sure hell wouldn't believe if we were to say we're getting married. He was in bermudas and thundercats t-shirt, I was in a mini denim and a t-shirt with sling bag and sneakers, and we were running and dancing and laughing till we had to squat down. Oblivious to the thousands of people around. Hahaha. Macam budak2. In a while, I couldn't walk any more, so we went home...
So there's all my story of the weekend. Would say I had a fulfilling one. And I am still waiting for Edri's call. Girl, we HAVE to meet. Soon. Before u go back to Japan ok? Till next weekend, to KOLEQ I will go!!! Yeay!!! Finally would be able to cancel off another one things-to-do-before-i-die. Hehehe.
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Later on in the night, moved on from The Curve to Hartamas Square, where I met Kar for the first time. Well, she was modDs' friend from UK. We talked and laughed some more together with Mr. Buge and Rini. By that time, I was kinda drained. Was breathless and tired. Hmmm.. and we didn't take piccies!! Damn!! Well, Kar, u know what this means. We HAVE to do this again, next time, with our digicam in hand. Me and modDs went home and watched DVD for the rest of the night. Edit: There's actually 2 parties that night, one in KL tower (Prodigy) and another in Sepang circuit. Quite tempting I must say, but we managed to push away all "suara2 setan" and we didn't go though my housemate went!! Good for us!!! *pat*pat*pat*
Sunday, we went to MAPEX 2005 (ehem ehem) at Mid-Valley. Must say it was educational.. learnt some stuff about owning a property. I would say, it's a close to impossible thing to achieve, especially if I would have to buy a house on my own. Note people, to own a small-sized landed property, with 30 years loan, and to pay about 800-900 bucks per month, you might be lucky and get it at Rawang or Balakong or some weird sungai names u never heard of. Generally, these places would be about an hour's or more drive to KL. *sigh*. That piece of info, is highly depressive to me. Well, we'll see what happens. Need some more planning before we put down any kind of deposit or downpayment. Nanti kita tengok ceruk mana kitorg beli umah k?
Tired (and asthmatic) from tawaf-ing around the exhibition centre, we sat and ate at the food court. Then we went jalan2 a while around.. been quite a long time since we were last at Mid-Valley. Had fun laughing and joking around with modDs, and people around sure hell wouldn't believe if we were to say we're getting married. He was in bermudas and thundercats t-shirt, I was in a mini denim and a t-shirt with sling bag and sneakers, and we were running and dancing and laughing till we had to squat down. Oblivious to the thousands of people around. Hahaha. Macam budak2. In a while, I couldn't walk any more, so we went home...
So there's all my story of the weekend. Would say I had a fulfilling one. And I am still waiting for Edri's call. Girl, we HAVE to meet. Soon. Before u go back to Japan ok? Till next weekend, to KOLEQ I will go!!! Yeay!!! Finally would be able to cancel off another one things-to-do-before-i-die. Hehehe.
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Friday, March 18, 2005
Breathing
Courtesy of minininie, I'm suddenly reminded of this song again. It never really made it anywhere on the charts, but I had the album, No Name Face by Lifehouse and it was a great album!! This was my fav song in it.
I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want o be here now
And ironically, this is my biggest problem now. BREATHING. Referring to my previous post, I told of my latest diagnosis. It's ok.. I don't really mind, it's not fatal is it now? As long as it is under control that is. Just... I dunno. I hate this sick feeling. Last time I felt something wrong with my body, I had to go for an operation. Since last Wednesday, I got sick, and I never really got better. Just the fever's gone... but my breathing is raspy, you know, like how a cat breathes, if you put ur ear on the cat's stomach. My heartbeat's so fast, it's about 90 beats a minute instead of the normal plus minus 70. And I can feel it in my throat. I'm always shaking and shivering, and everyone who sees me lately, says I look sickeningly sick, on the face. My cheeks and eyes have sunk, I have dark circles though I get enough sleep, and I'm pale. Not very pretty kan?
It's not that I don't eat.. I try my level best to force myself.. I take lots of soup.. with bread and such.. and I just had cheesy wedges and whipped potato from kfc. Yummy! hehehehe. But.. I dunno.... I'm just too tired nowadays. Forever tired. I don't have much to do at work now, thank god for that. But just sitting here.. gets me tired. And I speak a whole lot lesser now, coz even speaking gets me tired. And when I do speak, it's more like a whisper. I pity modDs too. I didn't really wanna tell him how bad I am feeling, like last night, I was feeling so so shitty and I nicely asked him if we could go home. I just said I was tired. I know how he worries, and I hate making him worry more. Not a very good idea la kan writing all this here, he will read it anyway, but hey... what to do... I keep telling myself that this is all in my head.. u know.. like those mind over matter thingy... but I'm not making all this up.
I know I should get it checked out, but I am afraid of finding out worse things. I hate bad news. I'm too chicken shit to find out more bad stuff. So, I keep repeating to myself "takde apa2 la ni.. satu dua hari lagi baik lah.. takde apa punya..." Well, the doctor did say if it's not gone by next week, I'd have to go back.. and I'm waiting for the deadline, as the medicines finishes.
Last night, when modDs hugged me goodnight in the car, I was so scared he would feel how fast my heart was beating. He hugged me tight, tighter than usual, and he caressed my back at the same time. It sort of felt like he was telling me "it's ok baby.. it's ok." I fought the tears in my eyes, coz I could feel how worried he was, especially since I'm all skin and bones, and hugging me is like hugging my rib cage alone. And I could see the worry in his eyes after he let go. Earlier just now, he called me, and hearing me whisper in the phone, he voiced out his worry... as I am again fighting not to let him hear the change in my voice as tears started coming.
I am so so sorry for getting sick again for the umpteenth time baby.. I am scared too.. please don't worry.. I will be fine. Just need you to be strong for me.
I hate this.
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I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace
I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time
'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be
I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want o be here now
And ironically, this is my biggest problem now. BREATHING. Referring to my previous post, I told of my latest diagnosis. It's ok.. I don't really mind, it's not fatal is it now? As long as it is under control that is. Just... I dunno. I hate this sick feeling. Last time I felt something wrong with my body, I had to go for an operation. Since last Wednesday, I got sick, and I never really got better. Just the fever's gone... but my breathing is raspy, you know, like how a cat breathes, if you put ur ear on the cat's stomach. My heartbeat's so fast, it's about 90 beats a minute instead of the normal plus minus 70. And I can feel it in my throat. I'm always shaking and shivering, and everyone who sees me lately, says I look sickeningly sick, on the face. My cheeks and eyes have sunk, I have dark circles though I get enough sleep, and I'm pale. Not very pretty kan?
It's not that I don't eat.. I try my level best to force myself.. I take lots of soup.. with bread and such.. and I just had cheesy wedges and whipped potato from kfc. Yummy! hehehehe. But.. I dunno.... I'm just too tired nowadays. Forever tired. I don't have much to do at work now, thank god for that. But just sitting here.. gets me tired. And I speak a whole lot lesser now, coz even speaking gets me tired. And when I do speak, it's more like a whisper. I pity modDs too. I didn't really wanna tell him how bad I am feeling, like last night, I was feeling so so shitty and I nicely asked him if we could go home. I just said I was tired. I know how he worries, and I hate making him worry more. Not a very good idea la kan writing all this here, he will read it anyway, but hey... what to do... I keep telling myself that this is all in my head.. u know.. like those mind over matter thingy... but I'm not making all this up.
I know I should get it checked out, but I am afraid of finding out worse things. I hate bad news. I'm too chicken shit to find out more bad stuff. So, I keep repeating to myself "takde apa2 la ni.. satu dua hari lagi baik lah.. takde apa punya..." Well, the doctor did say if it's not gone by next week, I'd have to go back.. and I'm waiting for the deadline, as the medicines finishes.
Last night, when modDs hugged me goodnight in the car, I was so scared he would feel how fast my heart was beating. He hugged me tight, tighter than usual, and he caressed my back at the same time. It sort of felt like he was telling me "it's ok baby.. it's ok." I fought the tears in my eyes, coz I could feel how worried he was, especially since I'm all skin and bones, and hugging me is like hugging my rib cage alone. And I could see the worry in his eyes after he let go. Earlier just now, he called me, and hearing me whisper in the phone, he voiced out his worry... as I am again fighting not to let him hear the change in my voice as tears started coming.
I am so so sorry for getting sick again for the umpteenth time baby.. I am scared too.. please don't worry.. I will be fine. Just need you to be strong for me.
I hate this.
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Thursday, March 17, 2005
trachea, bronchus, bronchi, bronchioles, alveoli
Those names familiar?? If you took Biology once upon a time in school, you would know about the respiratory system. Urgh. I loved biology, but only the animals part la. I went to the clinic yesterday, as my week-old fever/flu/cough/macam2 lagi seems to not subside soon enough and ubat semua dah habis. Plus I was plagued with sharp chest pains since the night before. And I couldn't take long breaths, I pant half the time, and I'm forever tired. And guess what?? The doc only had more bad news for me. My fever is still lingering around, although the temperature is almost back to normal, and he said, that I most probably am asthmatic. WTF??? At this age????
I never really had asthma as a child, though my sinus was quite bad.. maybe coz I was active back then. I presumed I will gain weight and get fat the moment I stopped sports, which actually never happened but instead got reversed. I grew thinner and thinner and skinnier, which I never thought is still possible since I was always known to be skinny. And I almost look anorexic now. Urgh. Especially since after the braces and getting sick, my weight dropped from 48kgs to 43kgs now. Not a pretty sight, since I stand at 168/169cms. My 'never-was-really-there' you-know-whats are pretty much non-existent now. Maybe that was the only place fat ever resides in my body hehehe.
The doctor said that my lungs are infested with mucus/pleghm. Might even be infected. Thanks doc. And he told me to return to the clinic next week if nothing changed and he will do an x-ray of my chest and see if there's anything there. Thanks again for the good news doc. Then, he put me on the nebulizer. Dunno what that is??
What is a nebulizer?
A nebulizer is a machine that uses compressed air to deliver asthma medicine as wet aerosol, a mist that can be inhaled. Nebulizers are most often used for children younger than 5, people who have difficulty using inhalers, and those with severe asthma. Nebulizers are also used by people with chronic lung diseases, such as emphysema. The most common medications used in a nebulizer are bronchodilators (such as albuterol) to help open up air passages and inhaled steroids.
Nebulizers have three main parts: a cup that holds the medication, a mouthpiece or mask attached to a "T"-shaped part, and a thin, plastic tube that connects the mouthpiece to the compressor. There are home and hospital models of nebulizers, as well as portable units. The portable machines run on batteries or can be plugged into your car's cigarette lighter.
Maka terasa cam kanak2 kejap, duduk kat klinik, pakai mask itu.. cam konon cute la budak2 kecik. Nasib baik panel clinic.. free.. hehehe kalau tak tah berapa laaa dah terbang dari wallet.
Urghhh.. so I have more and more medicines to take daily (my medicine box is slowly becoming a treasure chest now), more and more bad news, more and more harder for modDs to take care of me. Kesian gila dia.. dapat tunang yg teramat susah skali nak jaga. 10 kali sekejap sakit. Isk. modDs sleeps with the air-cond on every night at his house, and I can't for the life of me sleep in air-conditioned places, or else I will wake up sick. And he's willing to give up the air-cond and switch to a fan instead after we get married and live together even though I know he will be sweating like mad.. coz he's forever feeling hot. He IS hot. Hahahahahahhaa!
yanz shrinking says:
so how? looks like i cant sleep in air-cond la
lord modar says:
takpe
lord modar says:
save electricity tak pakai air-cond. boleh pakai kipas
yanz shrinking says:
takpe? nanti u panas.. u kan tak suka panas
lord modar says:
i sanggup.. utk u
Sweet kan tunang saya? HOT and SWEET. Nice combo. Hahahahaha. Time to get off the cancer sticks kan?? Ermmmm.... in a while... in a bit.. I will.... *grins*
|
I never really had asthma as a child, though my sinus was quite bad.. maybe coz I was active back then. I presumed I will gain weight and get fat the moment I stopped sports, which actually never happened but instead got reversed. I grew thinner and thinner and skinnier, which I never thought is still possible since I was always known to be skinny. And I almost look anorexic now. Urgh. Especially since after the braces and getting sick, my weight dropped from 48kgs to 43kgs now. Not a pretty sight, since I stand at 168/169cms. My 'never-was-really-there' you-know-whats are pretty much non-existent now. Maybe that was the only place fat ever resides in my body hehehe.
The doctor said that my lungs are infested with mucus/pleghm. Might even be infected. Thanks doc. And he told me to return to the clinic next week if nothing changed and he will do an x-ray of my chest and see if there's anything there. Thanks again for the good news doc. Then, he put me on the nebulizer. Dunno what that is??
What is a nebulizer?
A nebulizer is a machine that uses compressed air to deliver asthma medicine as wet aerosol, a mist that can be inhaled. Nebulizers are most often used for children younger than 5, people who have difficulty using inhalers, and those with severe asthma. Nebulizers are also used by people with chronic lung diseases, such as emphysema. The most common medications used in a nebulizer are bronchodilators (such as albuterol) to help open up air passages and inhaled steroids.
Nebulizers have three main parts: a cup that holds the medication, a mouthpiece or mask attached to a "T"-shaped part, and a thin, plastic tube that connects the mouthpiece to the compressor. There are home and hospital models of nebulizers, as well as portable units. The portable machines run on batteries or can be plugged into your car's cigarette lighter.
Maka terasa cam kanak2 kejap, duduk kat klinik, pakai mask itu.. cam konon cute la budak2 kecik. Nasib baik panel clinic.. free.. hehehe kalau tak tah berapa laaa dah terbang dari wallet.
Urghhh.. so I have more and more medicines to take daily (my medicine box is slowly becoming a treasure chest now), more and more bad news, more and more harder for modDs to take care of me. Kesian gila dia.. dapat tunang yg teramat susah skali nak jaga. 10 kali sekejap sakit. Isk. modDs sleeps with the air-cond on every night at his house, and I can't for the life of me sleep in air-conditioned places, or else I will wake up sick. And he's willing to give up the air-cond and switch to a fan instead after we get married and live together even though I know he will be sweating like mad.. coz he's forever feeling hot. He IS hot. Hahahahahahhaa!
yanz shrinking says:
so how? looks like i cant sleep in air-cond la
lord modar says:
takpe
lord modar says:
save electricity tak pakai air-cond. boleh pakai kipas
yanz shrinking says:
takpe? nanti u panas.. u kan tak suka panas
lord modar says:
i sanggup.. utk u
Sweet kan tunang saya? HOT and SWEET. Nice combo. Hahahahaha. Time to get off the cancer sticks kan?? Ermmmm.... in a while... in a bit.. I will.... *grins*
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Racist Rats
Before I start my serious thought on this matter, first and foremost I would like to apologise in advance to everyone. I might use vulgar and very straight-forward language here. This is a thought, that infested my mind, weirdly, while I was sitting in the mamak barber, waiting for modDs to get his haircut. Which by the way, he looks very very cute now, with the much shorter and neater hair, but still enough hair for me to run my fingers through hehehe. And he looks nothing like mamak. Kekekeke.
Do you realize, that we live in a so-called multiracial masyarakat majmuk country, where we live side-by-side with other races and religions, but we are all actually racists?? Subconsiously, and also consciously. I am not brought up in a Malay community. I lived in S'pore till I was 6, where Malays are sort of a minority. In a block of houses, if you can find 3 Malay houses, that's many enough. I grew up, talking and smiling at Chinese and Indian neighbours, playing with their dogs in the lift (ok, itu tak patut buat la kan), and I believe I spoke English first before I learnt my mother tongue.
Then I went to Convent school, where again Malays are a minority. In my class of 40, there were only 9 malay girls. Maybe jugak sebab all Malays masuk kelas Econs and Arts. Semua malas amek Science hehehe. And yeah, I spoke English most of the time in school. Of course they all could speak Malay. But that helps my English a lot, and I would proudly say that helped get me where I am today. I even learnt a bit of Mandarin in school, and I would say I could speak the normal every day Mandarin quite fluently. I even learnt to count in Tamil, and my Indian and Chinese friends could say "Assalamualaikum", they could recite Al-Fatihah, and on Fridays, EVERYONE would wear the baju kurung. They even fasted with us during Ramadhan. I LOVED that environment. We all went to each other's houses, we lived as if there is no difference among us, we respected each other's religions and beliefs. Their mothers cook for me in a separate new pot, reserved just for Muslim friends, unmixed with their sometimes non-halal food when I stay over their houses. They remind me of prayer times. Siapa kata bangsa lain takkan tolong Melayu??
Then I went to a local Uni and got the shock of my life. Malays stuck with Malays, Chinamen amongst themselves, and Indians had their own clan. Malays call Indians 'Macha' or 'Keling', called Chinese 'Cina Salit', 'Cina makan babi', and Chinese and Indians had their names to call us too. To break the barrier and be close to other races then, is quite something. When I talked to Chinese coursemates and discussed about assignments and all, another Chinese fella would come to him/her and say in Mandarin, "Don't help them. It's no use, we won't get anything back in return anyway." I got shocked when I heard that, but the truth in reality is, it's true. Melayu kan mudah lupa dan amat pemalas sekali. Selalu tunggu kena suap. I managed to get close to them, partly due to the fact that they're damn impressed at a Malay girl who could speak Mandarin, and because, well, just no other Malays never really took the effort to be friends with them. Hell they helped me a lot. And I copied their assignments a lot hehehe. Pemalas betul. Another factor that helped me get close to other races would be sports. In our taekwondo team in Uni, we had exactly the same amount of races. Malays, Indians, Chinese, even lain2. And we were a closely-bound family. Wasn't hard at all, if we are really willing to put our differences aside. But hey, my own race didn't make it easy for me either. Going for training and makan and all, I always had my Chinese or Indian team mates come fetch me, either in a car or a motorbike. And I raised hell. Persatuan Islam or whatever they're called even held meetings about me, the Malay girl who's always seen going out with other races. They're shallow enough to think I am dating these people. And I always had those kakak2 pakai tudung labuh come to my room to lecture and give 'nasihat' to me, to which all fell on deaf ears hahaha. Lantak la kan.
But I got hit on the face once. I questioned why we must all be racists, and a friend of mine pointed out to me, that it has always been so. Subconsciously, it's a way of life. Our parents 'secara tak sengaja' taught us that way, we all think that way, like it or not. See a group of Chinamen drinking and talking and laughing loudly, dressing 'fengtau'ly, wearing thick gold chains, we all get the perception, "Cina kedekut makan babi tak mandi pagi mabuk bising2 penipu". See a group of Indians, walking around with their large group, weird dressing, bling2s all over, we say "Keling minom todi jahat nak carik gaduh". What do you think they all have to say about us??? "Nama jek Islam tapi perangai macam kafir, pandai nak kutuk kaum lain, bangsa sendiri sit on ass all day n kutuk org". Malu kan?? Why must we have this mentality?? We can never judge an entire race by a small group, sama jugak kita mesti malu bila org fikir "Malay like dat la.. go here and there think they're the greatest, got status bumi so they're great can buy cheap houses, their kids all lazy don't want to study, got motorbike ride around town like hooliganz". Bangsa mana yg paling kaya kat Malaysia yg kononnya Melayu monolopy ni?
Truth is, why can't we all just live harmoniously, as pictured in the banners and our slogans on how proud we are of our country? After all, who do we turn to when we're in need of good roti canai, kari kepala ikan and banana leaf?? It's always the Indian and Mamak places we run to. How about some dim sum, chicken rice, dumplings and char kuey tiow? Chinese stalls. Nasi lemak, Lontong, Laksa and kampung-style rice? Malays... I personally choose Mamak's for roti canai n teh tarik any day, (and modDs nampaknya dah suka potong rambut kat old skool mamak barber hehehe), I chose Chinese chicken rice and Chinese hairstylists and make-up artists, and modDs suka chinese style chicken chop at Colliseum.. and kalau takde those bangsa 'lain2', who are we supposed to oogle over?? Those cute eurasian and mix guys and girls hehehehe. We need all races around don't we??
Can anyone spot me anywhere around??? Slyn and Tiara's in there too
Fuhhh panjang gila. That thought's out finally.
p/s: Happy 2 months Engagement anniversary baby. Been so good, I know will continue to be good till the end of our lives.. to infinity and beyond!!!!!
|
Do you realize, that we live in a so-called multiracial masyarakat majmuk country, where we live side-by-side with other races and religions, but we are all actually racists?? Subconsiously, and also consciously. I am not brought up in a Malay community. I lived in S'pore till I was 6, where Malays are sort of a minority. In a block of houses, if you can find 3 Malay houses, that's many enough. I grew up, talking and smiling at Chinese and Indian neighbours, playing with their dogs in the lift (ok, itu tak patut buat la kan), and I believe I spoke English first before I learnt my mother tongue.
Then I went to Convent school, where again Malays are a minority. In my class of 40, there were only 9 malay girls. Maybe jugak sebab all Malays masuk kelas Econs and Arts. Semua malas amek Science hehehe. And yeah, I spoke English most of the time in school. Of course they all could speak Malay. But that helps my English a lot, and I would proudly say that helped get me where I am today. I even learnt a bit of Mandarin in school, and I would say I could speak the normal every day Mandarin quite fluently. I even learnt to count in Tamil, and my Indian and Chinese friends could say "Assalamualaikum", they could recite Al-Fatihah, and on Fridays, EVERYONE would wear the baju kurung. They even fasted with us during Ramadhan. I LOVED that environment. We all went to each other's houses, we lived as if there is no difference among us, we respected each other's religions and beliefs. Their mothers cook for me in a separate new pot, reserved just for Muslim friends, unmixed with their sometimes non-halal food when I stay over their houses. They remind me of prayer times. Siapa kata bangsa lain takkan tolong Melayu??
Then I went to a local Uni and got the shock of my life. Malays stuck with Malays, Chinamen amongst themselves, and Indians had their own clan. Malays call Indians 'Macha' or 'Keling', called Chinese 'Cina Salit', 'Cina makan babi', and Chinese and Indians had their names to call us too. To break the barrier and be close to other races then, is quite something. When I talked to Chinese coursemates and discussed about assignments and all, another Chinese fella would come to him/her and say in Mandarin, "Don't help them. It's no use, we won't get anything back in return anyway." I got shocked when I heard that, but the truth in reality is, it's true. Melayu kan mudah lupa dan amat pemalas sekali. Selalu tunggu kena suap. I managed to get close to them, partly due to the fact that they're damn impressed at a Malay girl who could speak Mandarin, and because, well, just no other Malays never really took the effort to be friends with them. Hell they helped me a lot. And I copied their assignments a lot hehehe. Pemalas betul. Another factor that helped me get close to other races would be sports. In our taekwondo team in Uni, we had exactly the same amount of races. Malays, Indians, Chinese, even lain2. And we were a closely-bound family. Wasn't hard at all, if we are really willing to put our differences aside. But hey, my own race didn't make it easy for me either. Going for training and makan and all, I always had my Chinese or Indian team mates come fetch me, either in a car or a motorbike. And I raised hell. Persatuan Islam or whatever they're called even held meetings about me, the Malay girl who's always seen going out with other races. They're shallow enough to think I am dating these people. And I always had those kakak2 pakai tudung labuh come to my room to lecture and give 'nasihat' to me, to which all fell on deaf ears hahaha. Lantak la kan.
But I got hit on the face once. I questioned why we must all be racists, and a friend of mine pointed out to me, that it has always been so. Subconsciously, it's a way of life. Our parents 'secara tak sengaja' taught us that way, we all think that way, like it or not. See a group of Chinamen drinking and talking and laughing loudly, dressing 'fengtau'ly, wearing thick gold chains, we all get the perception, "Cina kedekut makan babi tak mandi pagi mabuk bising2 penipu". See a group of Indians, walking around with their large group, weird dressing, bling2s all over, we say "Keling minom todi jahat nak carik gaduh". What do you think they all have to say about us??? "Nama jek Islam tapi perangai macam kafir, pandai nak kutuk kaum lain, bangsa sendiri sit on ass all day n kutuk org". Malu kan?? Why must we have this mentality?? We can never judge an entire race by a small group, sama jugak kita mesti malu bila org fikir "Malay like dat la.. go here and there think they're the greatest, got status bumi so they're great can buy cheap houses, their kids all lazy don't want to study, got motorbike ride around town like hooliganz". Bangsa mana yg paling kaya kat Malaysia yg kononnya Melayu monolopy ni?
Truth is, why can't we all just live harmoniously, as pictured in the banners and our slogans on how proud we are of our country? After all, who do we turn to when we're in need of good roti canai, kari kepala ikan and banana leaf?? It's always the Indian and Mamak places we run to. How about some dim sum, chicken rice, dumplings and char kuey tiow? Chinese stalls. Nasi lemak, Lontong, Laksa and kampung-style rice? Malays... I personally choose Mamak's for roti canai n teh tarik any day, (and modDs nampaknya dah suka potong rambut kat old skool mamak barber hehehe), I chose Chinese chicken rice and Chinese hairstylists and make-up artists, and modDs suka chinese style chicken chop at Colliseum.. and kalau takde those bangsa 'lain2', who are we supposed to oogle over?? Those cute eurasian and mix guys and girls hehehehe. We need all races around don't we??
Can anyone spot me anywhere around??? Slyn and Tiara's in there too
Fuhhh panjang gila. That thought's out finally.
p/s: Happy 2 months Engagement anniversary baby. Been so good, I know will continue to be good till the end of our lives.. to infinity and beyond!!!!!
|
Monday, March 14, 2005
monday bloody monday
I am sooooooo down in the dumps. Yup, there I am, right at the very bottom of the bottomless dumps. I hate this feeling, I want it to end, and I want it to end right now!!! Whatever I had in mind to post yesterday, can wait for tomorrows. Right now, all I wanna do, is nag and nag and complain and complain. I don't care if anyone hates me for posting bad stuff, I don't give shit. I don't care. Not even a rat's ass. This is my blog, and I wanna complain and complain to my heart's content. I am in a very very malevolent and evil mood. Muahahahaha. *evil laugh*
modDs got on msn, and gave me bad bad news. THIS.
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
bbbb i kena outstation ipoh 2 minggu siot!!
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
maybe start next week
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
huh? seriousz??
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
utk project amende lak ni?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
projek kat SUK perak
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
suk tu pebenda pun i taktau hahaha
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
laaaaaa.... u happy ke?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
danggg
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tak siot
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
u suka dpt outstation?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
ermmmm cant tolak?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tu la.... ish haritu bising pasal takde outstation.... kena 2 minggu lak aduh!
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kalau ada good reason, boleh la tolak
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tapi takde reason siot
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
u nak ke outstation2 ni?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
can bet it will be more than the time stipulated... projects are NEVER completed on time
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kalau 2-3 hari takpe
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
kena jugak pergi? with who?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kena la... dgn sorang lg staff
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
kalau 2 weeks starting next week, camne nak gi koleq?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
gi dari sana la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
can i not want u to go??? hmmm sounds selfish kan... but i tak pernah register pun yg u akan outstation, maka i cam takleh accept
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
cannot la b
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
shit
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
benci la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
i finally got a job where i dont have to go outstation anymore, and now ur starting
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
sorry
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
not ur fault... tapi i tanak kawan u jugak
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
i just never anticipated that u'd have to go outstation... lama gila lak tu
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
camne i nak hidup u takde 2 minggu??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
btw SUK tu setiausaha kerajaan
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
hmmmm
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
mesti sangaaaaap!!!!!!!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
tanak u pegi.... shit la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
i sejuta kali lagi sedih drp u siot
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
camne i nak hidup u takde 2 minggu????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
hmmm tanak jawab...
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tatau la bbbbbbbbbb
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
tak suka u la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
nak jadi cam ajeen "benci benci kill u"
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
halaaaah
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
dahla pening takde transport
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
colleague u?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
sapa the other person yg kena gi ngan u?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
dia x permanent kat situ
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
datang every 3-4 days
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
so u'll be the only one permanent kat sana?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
yup
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
boleh buat ke project tu? easy?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
sure mati kerinduan
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tak tau lagi
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
wednesday ni ada briefing
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
hmmm
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
transport wise, u gi la ngan colleague u
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
siap keje nanti, i amek u k?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
ipoh bukan jauh pon...
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
hmmmm
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
nak bersukaria kat sana camna?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
walaupun i masih tak setuju dengan idea tu, dan i akan benci u selama u takde sebab u buat i rindu u cam org gila, i am more than willing to come fetch u
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
takkan nak naik bas visit brothels/bapuk semua
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
there.. u got no transport, maka ada reason utk takyah gi.. yaaahhahaha
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
nak keje ke nak bersukaria?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
keje la
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kene ada keta nak ulang alik hotel -> SUK
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
takleh la b... macam kena pegi gak
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
abeh tu kenapa risau pasal takde transport nak gi mana2? carik la hotel terdekat yg leh jalan kaki... rasanya sure ada
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
hmmm ok gak
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
and suruh sesapa pick me up on the way to koleq
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
looks like i tak dapat gi koleq la ni
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
pegi la skali
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
malas la.
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
shit la terus takde mood
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
sori...
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
not ur fault
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
it's SAS punya fault!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
dan juga monday, dan juga pms
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
celaka mereka semua.. damn them to hell!!!
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
heheh
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
apa gelak pulak.. i am dead serious
Yes, I was serious. Dead serious. No, not trying to be clingy evil mengada gf here, but hey, it never even crossed my mind, or his even, that he would have to go outstation, EVER!! But now I'm dumped with the bad news. Shit. shit shit shit. Selamba told him I hated him for it. HATE him for the whole while he'll be gone. How am I supposed to live man???? Yup, I am that manja. Can't blame me ok.. the past 1 year++ we've been together, we see each other almost every single day. Except for Raya. Except those occassional days when we're really really busy we simply can't see each other. Those days, happen like maybe one day in a whole month or two. Other than that, no matter how sekejap or busy or tired, we make it a point to see each other. Huwaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! *insert crying smiley here* *make sure the smiley is crying really really hard*
So much for the 'tough gangster macho ganas dan segala yg sewaktu dengannya' girl huh?? Yup, I am jello without him. Hilang hancur disappear segala ke-macho-an. I told u, he's my pillar, he's all I have here. He reminds me to eat, he reminds me to sleep, he reminds me to breathe, he reminds me to live. Without him, I simply forget all this. I am strong and tough because of this one small, cute, halus, kenit, keding pillar. I'm talking as if it's the end of the world kan? After all, it's just 2 weeks. WHICH WILL SEEM LIKE 2 BLOODY YEARS TO ME. I don't care. I have the right to complain and I am doing it. Almost endlessly it seems kan?
It's monday, I'm hit hard with pms coz my period seems to be coming late, no thanks to the fever I had last week, and ALL that is contributing to my evil piece of mind right now. And my whole set of teeth is hurting all over again, because of the appointment last Saturday, and I can't eat jack. Bleargh bleargh bleargh.
(*&*&%&@#^%)(_)!)@*#^&%$#^%*&(*)$@&&$^%@#!
Ok I'm done.
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modDs got on msn, and gave me bad bad news. THIS.
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
bbbb i kena outstation ipoh 2 minggu siot!!
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
maybe start next week
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
huh? seriousz??
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
utk project amende lak ni?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
projek kat SUK perak
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
suk tu pebenda pun i taktau hahaha
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
laaaaaa.... u happy ke?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
danggg
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tak siot
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
u suka dpt outstation?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
ermmmm cant tolak?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tu la.... ish haritu bising pasal takde outstation.... kena 2 minggu lak aduh!
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kalau ada good reason, boleh la tolak
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tapi takde reason siot
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
u nak ke outstation2 ni?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
can bet it will be more than the time stipulated... projects are NEVER completed on time
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kalau 2-3 hari takpe
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
kena jugak pergi? with who?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kena la... dgn sorang lg staff
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
kalau 2 weeks starting next week, camne nak gi koleq?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
gi dari sana la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
can i not want u to go??? hmmm sounds selfish kan... but i tak pernah register pun yg u akan outstation, maka i cam takleh accept
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
cannot la b
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
shit
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
benci la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
i finally got a job where i dont have to go outstation anymore, and now ur starting
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
sorry
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
not ur fault... tapi i tanak kawan u jugak
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
i just never anticipated that u'd have to go outstation... lama gila lak tu
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
camne i nak hidup u takde 2 minggu??????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
btw SUK tu setiausaha kerajaan
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
hmmmm
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
mesti sangaaaaap!!!!!!!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
tanak u pegi.... shit la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
i sejuta kali lagi sedih drp u siot
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
camne i nak hidup u takde 2 minggu????????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
hmmm tanak jawab...
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tatau la bbbbbbbbbb
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
tak suka u la
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
nak jadi cam ajeen "benci benci kill u"
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
halaaaah
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
dahla pening takde transport
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
colleague u?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
sapa the other person yg kena gi ngan u?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
dia x permanent kat situ
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
datang every 3-4 days
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
so u'll be the only one permanent kat sana?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
yup
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
boleh buat ke project tu? easy?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
sure mati kerinduan
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
tak tau lagi
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
wednesday ni ada briefing
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
hmmm
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
transport wise, u gi la ngan colleague u
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
siap keje nanti, i amek u k?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
ipoh bukan jauh pon...
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
hmmmm
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
nak bersukaria kat sana camna?
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
walaupun i masih tak setuju dengan idea tu, dan i akan benci u selama u takde sebab u buat i rindu u cam org gila, i am more than willing to come fetch u
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
takkan nak naik bas visit brothels/bapuk semua
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
there.. u got no transport, maka ada reason utk takyah gi.. yaaahhahaha
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
nak keje ke nak bersukaria?
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
keje la
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
kene ada keta nak ulang alik hotel -> SUK
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
takleh la b... macam kena pegi gak
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
abeh tu kenapa risau pasal takde transport nak gi mana2? carik la hotel terdekat yg leh jalan kaki... rasanya sure ada
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
hmmm ok gak
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
and suruh sesapa pick me up on the way to koleq
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
looks like i tak dapat gi koleq la ni
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
pegi la skali
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
malas la.
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
shit la terus takde mood
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
sori...
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
not ur fault
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
it's SAS punya fault!
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
dan juga monday, dan juga pms
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
celaka mereka semua.. damn them to hell!!!
lord modar: blues di hari isnin says:
heheh
yanzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:
apa gelak pulak.. i am dead serious
Yes, I was serious. Dead serious. No, not trying to be clingy evil mengada gf here, but hey, it never even crossed my mind, or his even, that he would have to go outstation, EVER!! But now I'm dumped with the bad news. Shit. shit shit shit. Selamba told him I hated him for it. HATE him for the whole while he'll be gone. How am I supposed to live man???? Yup, I am that manja. Can't blame me ok.. the past 1 year++ we've been together, we see each other almost every single day. Except for Raya. Except those occassional days when we're really really busy we simply can't see each other. Those days, happen like maybe one day in a whole month or two. Other than that, no matter how sekejap or busy or tired, we make it a point to see each other. Huwaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! *insert crying smiley here* *make sure the smiley is crying really really hard*
So much for the 'tough gangster macho ganas dan segala yg sewaktu dengannya' girl huh?? Yup, I am jello without him. Hilang hancur disappear segala ke-macho-an. I told u, he's my pillar, he's all I have here. He reminds me to eat, he reminds me to sleep, he reminds me to breathe, he reminds me to live. Without him, I simply forget all this. I am strong and tough because of this one small, cute, halus, kenit, keding pillar. I'm talking as if it's the end of the world kan? After all, it's just 2 weeks. WHICH WILL SEEM LIKE 2 BLOODY YEARS TO ME. I don't care. I have the right to complain and I am doing it. Almost endlessly it seems kan?
It's monday, I'm hit hard with pms coz my period seems to be coming late, no thanks to the fever I had last week, and ALL that is contributing to my evil piece of mind right now. And my whole set of teeth is hurting all over again, because of the appointment last Saturday, and I can't eat jack. Bleargh bleargh bleargh.
(*&*&%&@#^%)(_)!)@*#^&%$#^%*&(*)$@&&$^%@#!
Ok I'm done.
|
stick it in!
Wingnut has passed me the stick and I HAD to sambut la kan.. org tua2 kata org memberi kita merasa.. (apa la aku merapu pagi2 isnin ni).. anyways.. im back again... took another half day mc friday.. still was sick.. but hey I'm all better now, lest for the cough and the suara sengau and the fact that my body is sooooo weak walking up the stairs one storey up got me breathless and panting. Anyways... really really need to clean my desk.. it's like a war zone here.. so lemme just post this first.. then might post something else later on.. had the idea on what to post yesterday....
1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
Ermm ok.. this is a toughie... coz firstly, I don't even have a computer. I have a laptop, which was borrowed from me more than a year ago and still not returned up to date, and this computer I am using is the company's, and it doesn't even have a sound card!!!! But my laptop was infested with music files la... it took up more than half the hard disk space...
2. The CD you last bought?
Ermmm do you mean the last CD we cetak rompakked??? Coz I definitely can't remember the last one I really went and bought.. but my latest cetak rompakked collection includes Green Day's Dookie, Nirvana's Nevermind, Bon Jovi's Crossroads, and Radiohead's OK Computer. Yup, I'm revisiting the good 'ol times.
3. What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
Across The Night by Silverchair from Diorama. Looovveee that song. Gets me going in the morning.
4. Write down five songs that you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
i) Nothing Else Matters - Metallica. This is OUR love song. Wahahaha. Metal gila!!!!
ii) This Love - Craig Armstrong feat Elizabeth Fraser. Never heard of it?? Well I got introduced to it by modDs not too long ago.. and now I'm hooked!!! From his 'mushroom' collection.. good for 'grass' and 'mushroom' and all vegetables. Hehehehe. Go look for it!!!
iii) Tentang Seseorang - Anda from the group Bunga, from the OST of Ada Apa Dengan Cinta, from Anto Head and Melly's album. Love this song, coz it sounds so sincere, and reminded me so much of the good 'ol times.
iv) Satisfaction – Benny Benassi. Hehehe kasi chance kat Wingnut. But I would say I prefer Dooms Night by Timo Maas. Eh, suka jugak Oakenfold's Ready Steady Go....
v) Sweet Child O' Mine - GNR. Coz I'm HIS sweet child. Hehehe. Eh, then again, what about November Rain, Patience, Don't Cry and So Fine??? Urk... spoilt for choices.
5. Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
i) Ninie, just for the fun of it kekeke.
ii)Lauryn, coz I know she loves a good quiz, don't u now dahlink???
iii)Britney Spears. Just to know what kind of shitty songs this teeny-weeny-bopper listens to. Wahahahaha dengki britney.
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1. What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
Ermm ok.. this is a toughie... coz firstly, I don't even have a computer. I have a laptop, which was borrowed from me more than a year ago and still not returned up to date, and this computer I am using is the company's, and it doesn't even have a sound card!!!! But my laptop was infested with music files la... it took up more than half the hard disk space...
2. The CD you last bought?
Ermmm do you mean the last CD we cetak rompakked??? Coz I definitely can't remember the last one I really went and bought.. but my latest cetak rompakked collection includes Green Day's Dookie, Nirvana's Nevermind, Bon Jovi's Crossroads, and Radiohead's OK Computer. Yup, I'm revisiting the good 'ol times.
3. What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
Across The Night by Silverchair from Diorama. Looovveee that song. Gets me going in the morning.
4. Write down five songs that you often listen to or that mean a lot to you.
i) Nothing Else Matters - Metallica. This is OUR love song. Wahahaha. Metal gila!!!!
ii) This Love - Craig Armstrong feat Elizabeth Fraser. Never heard of it?? Well I got introduced to it by modDs not too long ago.. and now I'm hooked!!! From his 'mushroom' collection.. good for 'grass' and 'mushroom' and all vegetables. Hehehehe. Go look for it!!!
iii) Tentang Seseorang - Anda from the group Bunga, from the OST of Ada Apa Dengan Cinta, from Anto Head and Melly's album. Love this song, coz it sounds so sincere, and reminded me so much of the good 'ol times.
iv) Satisfaction – Benny Benassi. Hehehe kasi chance kat Wingnut. But I would say I prefer Dooms Night by Timo Maas. Eh, suka jugak Oakenfold's Ready Steady Go....
v) Sweet Child O' Mine - GNR. Coz I'm HIS sweet child. Hehehe. Eh, then again, what about November Rain, Patience, Don't Cry and So Fine??? Urk... spoilt for choices.
5. Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
i) Ninie, just for the fun of it kekeke.
ii)Lauryn, coz I know she loves a good quiz, don't u now dahlink???
iii)Britney Spears. Just to know what kind of shitty songs this teeny-weeny-bopper listens to. Wahahahaha dengki britney.
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Friday, March 11, 2005
Guling
Hello hello hellooooo..... I'm back. Feels like I'm back from the land of the living dead teeheee.. poyo tak?? As you all should know, the tender closing was on Tuesday afternoon. Since 9 a.m. Monday till 11 a.m. Tuesday, I was running about chasing the bloody deadline. Yup, worked for 26 hours non-stop. No time to even feel sleepy, hardly had time for ciggie break. Masa hantar tender tu, rasa cam baru beranak pon ada. Hahaha. The relief. But hey, there's another tender, closing later this month. Might as well keep the busy momentum huh? Kalau tak jadi malas balik aku ni.
Was allowed home Tuesday afternoon, and I slept from 2, till 8 p.m., and I woke up coz modDs came and knocked on my door. He brought me dinner. Sweet kan my fiance? Then I went back to sleep at a bit past midnight. The boss also gave me Wednesday off, as a reward from my hard hard work the past 2 weeks, and for going back at night daily, and coming in even during weekends. So Wednesday was spent, waking up late morning, and I cleaned the whole goddamn house. From the living room to the kitchen to the toilets, beat the carpet, cleaned my room, washed and arranged EVERYTHING. It took me like 5 hours to get everything done. Last2 lagi penat drp gi keje hehehe. And I warned my housemates, that my cleaning quota for the whole YEAR dah habis. Sapa2 buat sepah lepas ni, pandai2 korang la kemas sendiri. Went to pick my baby up from work, then we went to OU to watch Sepet. Read about our review in his blog. Yup, I was kinda disappointed, coz I soooo wanted to cry!!! Pelik kan aku ni?? Then we went jalan2 a bit, bought some stuff, and I sent him home, balik tidoooooooo.
Couldn't really sleep during the night, was tossing and turning about, and somehow I knew I was gonna get sick. True enough, could hardly lift up my head when modDs called for my wake-up call. So I decided to stay in bed. Was at home the whole day yesterday, staring at this all day.
Called Mom to ask about Amy's SPM results (which by the way, is very very bad), and she got angry at me for getting sick. Hahaha. "Macam mana boleh demam??" To which my answer is simple. "It's about time." Haha boleh tak jawab camtu? It's true.. I get sick at about every 1-2 months. My body resistance is built that way. Or maybe it means I have none. Was supposed to go to the clinic to get my MC but didn't really have the strength to get up and drive, so as usual, waited for my darling to take me in the night. Betul manja tak ingat kan??
So... even though I'm still coughing bloody murder and my eyes and nose is running.. here I am back in the office. Could have easily gotten another day MC, but I won't coz nanti memang malas langsung nak keje semula. Loooonnngggg time haven't checked my dear blogger friends' blogs. Maybe I shall do that today. Dah la.. sure korang semua penat baca cerita merapu aku. I gotta clear my mails.. about 100 unopened items there. I slept sooooooo much these past few days, my eyes bengkak dah. Dah betul2 jadi sepet hehehe. That's why feel guilty to take another day off. Laters!
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Was allowed home Tuesday afternoon, and I slept from 2, till 8 p.m., and I woke up coz modDs came and knocked on my door. He brought me dinner. Sweet kan my fiance? Then I went back to sleep at a bit past midnight. The boss also gave me Wednesday off, as a reward from my hard hard work the past 2 weeks, and for going back at night daily, and coming in even during weekends. So Wednesday was spent, waking up late morning, and I cleaned the whole goddamn house. From the living room to the kitchen to the toilets, beat the carpet, cleaned my room, washed and arranged EVERYTHING. It took me like 5 hours to get everything done. Last2 lagi penat drp gi keje hehehe. And I warned my housemates, that my cleaning quota for the whole YEAR dah habis. Sapa2 buat sepah lepas ni, pandai2 korang la kemas sendiri. Went to pick my baby up from work, then we went to OU to watch Sepet. Read about our review in his blog. Yup, I was kinda disappointed, coz I soooo wanted to cry!!! Pelik kan aku ni?? Then we went jalan2 a bit, bought some stuff, and I sent him home, balik tidoooooooo.
Couldn't really sleep during the night, was tossing and turning about, and somehow I knew I was gonna get sick. True enough, could hardly lift up my head when modDs called for my wake-up call. So I decided to stay in bed. Was at home the whole day yesterday, staring at this all day.
Called Mom to ask about Amy's SPM results (which by the way, is very very bad), and she got angry at me for getting sick. Hahaha. "Macam mana boleh demam??" To which my answer is simple. "It's about time." Haha boleh tak jawab camtu? It's true.. I get sick at about every 1-2 months. My body resistance is built that way. Or maybe it means I have none. Was supposed to go to the clinic to get my MC but didn't really have the strength to get up and drive, so as usual, waited for my darling to take me in the night. Betul manja tak ingat kan??
So... even though I'm still coughing bloody murder and my eyes and nose is running.. here I am back in the office. Could have easily gotten another day MC, but I won't coz nanti memang malas langsung nak keje semula. Loooonnngggg time haven't checked my dear blogger friends' blogs. Maybe I shall do that today. Dah la.. sure korang semua penat baca cerita merapu aku. I gotta clear my mails.. about 100 unopened items there. I slept sooooooo much these past few days, my eyes bengkak dah. Dah betul2 jadi sepet hehehe. That's why feel guilty to take another day off. Laters!
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Stupidity almost killed the yanz
God how I am longing for sleep. Deep deep looooonnngggg sleep. Padan muka. Sapa suruh gi party??
Was in the office till past midnight Friday. Went home, into my Baby's arms for a while.. Best gila dapat mengada2 whine n jadik lembik cam jelly depan dia. Manja sial aku. Saturday, into the office again. And there I stayed till after 5. Got into a terrible misunderstanding with baby through the phone. Weird point he pointed out to me, we always fight thru the phone, or msn, but hardly ever ever face to face. Was kinda my fault.. guess I was exhausted from work, frustrated, all, and that resulted me into becoming an extra mengada2 bitch. Went home, got ready for Genting, and I went with Lin. B went up earlier with Ahpek. Well, all fights and everything else was forgotten the moment I caught sight of him at the First World lobby, and we went straight into each other's arms. As usual. Hahaha buat penat jek drama lebih2.
Tickets was sold out... no thanks to Amirul who promised to get us pre-sales but he went too late. And we were loitering around there for HOURS, not knowing what to do. Some fellas was selling tickets for 80 bucks, but somehow, I'm not really willing to part with that much.. considering I would need more money once inside. Hehehe. Suddenly opportunity came when Naquib's gf came out and said she's not going in again. So, I took her tag, managed to stick it back together with a bit of chewing gum, barely made it through security as he pulled the tags to ensure it is originally on, and went hunting for 8 more tags as there was 9 of us all together. Hahaha was quite hard to get 8 of them, but as the place was full of 'happy' people, I succeeded. As punishment, made Amirul go out to send modDs the tags.. and I had to wait for another hour or so before all of them managed to come in. Wow. The feeling u get when u could get into an event free.. is MARVELLOUS. Urk just realized I might get in trouble if someone from Zouk reads this. Ah, lantak lah.
The party was cool I guess, but mostly because of the many many many familiar faces around. Btw, Hani, if u're reading this, did u somehow see me there?? Had loads of fun dancing and all. modDs brought me his Mom's parka, knee-length with fur around the hood. Hehehe was soo cool. But when we were inside, somehow, in Genting where the temperature is to me negative 40 degrees, I managed to do without it. I was just wearing jeans with spaghetti strap and leg-warmers I wear as sleeves. Weird huh? Dah la leg-warmers tu kaler2 belang2. It WAS packed, so I guess everyone else, plus the exercise kept me warm. Naquib who was extra extra happy let me ride on his shoulders a few times. Imagine I was sitting up on his shoulders.. almost a good 30 minutes I think. He wouldn't let me down. Ringan sangat ke aku ni?? Highest podium I've ever been on. Terasa glamer gila masa kat atas tu, looking down on peeps around. A lot of peeps took piccies of me (or aku perasan jek) and modDs' friend even had a videocam. Sure muka aku cam pompuan gila time tu. We took loads of piccies, not from our cam of course. Tak kuasa nak jaga camera gaban tu tengah ramai2. I kissed (as in comolot) all my girlfriends in the name of 'love' tonnes of times, hugged and kissed on the cheeks all other friends, felt lovey-dovey all around. Even got mushy with my housemates, though I'm quite sure after this we will continue with "eh amacam? baru balik? tak keluar ke malam ni?" Hahahahaha. Time2 biasa, dok sebelah2 atas sofa pun tanak, ini sampai peluk cium semua. Malu lak bila pikir balik perangai masing2 malam tu. This is what we call, as Ahpek and Mon said that day after the party, Bandar Selamat, Bandar Rave. Kepala hotak korang la hahahaha.
Had fun till after 4, by then I was soooo lembik. Came out, and I had my usual puke fest. Kalau tak muntah at least sekali tak sah kot. We hung out with some friends till afternoon, and we drove back. I bathed, changed, passed on eating and drove back to office in a daze. Yeah I know it sounds crazy. But hey, party party jugak, keje keje jugak. I was 10000x stupider than I usually am Sunday, and I looked and also felt like the living dead. Isk isk isk.
Was in office till about 9 p.m., then I went home, driving home felt like driving in the sea. Or on it. Whatever. Guess routine helped me get home. I was thinking if I just moved, I wouldn't be able to find my new house in that state of mind. Almost went to the wrong floor pun hahaha! modDs was waiting for me... got some TLC a while before he had to leave, and I plonked into bed about 11.
AND TODAY IS YET ANOTHER WORKING DAY. Better still for me, I had to pull an all-nighter. Tender closing tomorrow. I am crazy aren't I?? Didn't and couldn't really eat since I forgot when, lost like yet another 2 more kgs, and I am practically floating on air right now. I forced myself to work today, can't let myself be overwhelmed by the stupidity in my head. Think I'm doing ok. Drank like 10 bottles of Livita, and I think I am high on whatever's in there. Hyper semacam aku. My mouth hurts, my ulcers tripled in quantity and also size, my whole body aches, my back feels like a dried twig, ready to snap anytime. Too much exercise... I am getting too old for this. Maybe it's time to stop. Maybe.
Wow. Somehow still managed to write a long entry huh?? I told u I'm high. Hahaha. Ok ok gotta get back to all these documentation and all. I needed to stamp and sign every page of the tender submission, and I lost count how many times I stamped upside down and had to reprint the pages again. Isk jadi makin banyak keje. And my signature ended up looking like something like a cross between an A, W, M, S, Z, or number 2, depending on which angle u're looking from. Dah dah. Take care peeps, and please, don't ever try to even attempt something like what I am doing now. It's not good for your body. Nope. Naah. Not good at all. I bet everything in my body and brain is at war with each other now.
But at least, I get half day off tomorrow. And modDs promised to belanja me watch Sepet tomorrow evening, as a reward for my hard work. Well, this is becoming more like 'dumb work' rather than 'hard work'. Still think I should have left Genting with Lin at 8 in the morning Sunday. Stupid stupid stupid. Amek ubat.
Ini baru betul.. Gila ke apa???
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Was in the office till past midnight Friday. Went home, into my Baby's arms for a while.. Best gila dapat mengada2 whine n jadik lembik cam jelly depan dia. Manja sial aku. Saturday, into the office again. And there I stayed till after 5. Got into a terrible misunderstanding with baby through the phone. Weird point he pointed out to me, we always fight thru the phone, or msn, but hardly ever ever face to face. Was kinda my fault.. guess I was exhausted from work, frustrated, all, and that resulted me into becoming an extra mengada2 bitch. Went home, got ready for Genting, and I went with Lin. B went up earlier with Ahpek. Well, all fights and everything else was forgotten the moment I caught sight of him at the First World lobby, and we went straight into each other's arms. As usual. Hahaha buat penat jek drama lebih2.
Tickets was sold out... no thanks to Amirul who promised to get us pre-sales but he went too late. And we were loitering around there for HOURS, not knowing what to do. Some fellas was selling tickets for 80 bucks, but somehow, I'm not really willing to part with that much.. considering I would need more money once inside. Hehehe. Suddenly opportunity came when Naquib's gf came out and said she's not going in again. So, I took her tag, managed to stick it back together with a bit of chewing gum, barely made it through security as he pulled the tags to ensure it is originally on, and went hunting for 8 more tags as there was 9 of us all together. Hahaha was quite hard to get 8 of them, but as the place was full of 'happy' people, I succeeded. As punishment, made Amirul go out to send modDs the tags.. and I had to wait for another hour or so before all of them managed to come in. Wow. The feeling u get when u could get into an event free.. is MARVELLOUS. Urk just realized I might get in trouble if someone from Zouk reads this. Ah, lantak lah.
The party was cool I guess, but mostly because of the many many many familiar faces around. Btw, Hani, if u're reading this, did u somehow see me there?? Had loads of fun dancing and all. modDs brought me his Mom's parka, knee-length with fur around the hood. Hehehe was soo cool. But when we were inside, somehow, in Genting where the temperature is to me negative 40 degrees, I managed to do without it. I was just wearing jeans with spaghetti strap and leg-warmers I wear as sleeves. Weird huh? Dah la leg-warmers tu kaler2 belang2. It WAS packed, so I guess everyone else, plus the exercise kept me warm. Naquib who was extra extra happy let me ride on his shoulders a few times. Imagine I was sitting up on his shoulders.. almost a good 30 minutes I think. He wouldn't let me down. Ringan sangat ke aku ni?? Highest podium I've ever been on. Terasa glamer gila masa kat atas tu, looking down on peeps around. A lot of peeps took piccies of me (or aku perasan jek) and modDs' friend even had a videocam. Sure muka aku cam pompuan gila time tu. We took loads of piccies, not from our cam of course. Tak kuasa nak jaga camera gaban tu tengah ramai2. I kissed (as in comolot) all my girlfriends in the name of 'love' tonnes of times, hugged and kissed on the cheeks all other friends, felt lovey-dovey all around. Even got mushy with my housemates, though I'm quite sure after this we will continue with "eh amacam? baru balik? tak keluar ke malam ni?" Hahahahaha. Time2 biasa, dok sebelah2 atas sofa pun tanak, ini sampai peluk cium semua. Malu lak bila pikir balik perangai masing2 malam tu. This is what we call, as Ahpek and Mon said that day after the party, Bandar Selamat, Bandar Rave. Kepala hotak korang la hahahaha.
Had fun till after 4, by then I was soooo lembik. Came out, and I had my usual puke fest. Kalau tak muntah at least sekali tak sah kot. We hung out with some friends till afternoon, and we drove back. I bathed, changed, passed on eating and drove back to office in a daze. Yeah I know it sounds crazy. But hey, party party jugak, keje keje jugak. I was 10000x stupider than I usually am Sunday, and I looked and also felt like the living dead. Isk isk isk.
Was in office till about 9 p.m., then I went home, driving home felt like driving in the sea. Or on it. Whatever. Guess routine helped me get home. I was thinking if I just moved, I wouldn't be able to find my new house in that state of mind. Almost went to the wrong floor pun hahaha! modDs was waiting for me... got some TLC a while before he had to leave, and I plonked into bed about 11.
AND TODAY IS YET ANOTHER WORKING DAY. Better still for me, I had to pull an all-nighter. Tender closing tomorrow. I am crazy aren't I?? Didn't and couldn't really eat since I forgot when, lost like yet another 2 more kgs, and I am practically floating on air right now. I forced myself to work today, can't let myself be overwhelmed by the stupidity in my head. Think I'm doing ok. Drank like 10 bottles of Livita, and I think I am high on whatever's in there. Hyper semacam aku. My mouth hurts, my ulcers tripled in quantity and also size, my whole body aches, my back feels like a dried twig, ready to snap anytime. Too much exercise... I am getting too old for this. Maybe it's time to stop. Maybe.
Wow. Somehow still managed to write a long entry huh?? I told u I'm high. Hahaha. Ok ok gotta get back to all these documentation and all. I needed to stamp and sign every page of the tender submission, and I lost count how many times I stamped upside down and had to reprint the pages again. Isk jadi makin banyak keje. And my signature ended up looking like something like a cross between an A, W, M, S, Z, or number 2, depending on which angle u're looking from. Dah dah. Take care peeps, and please, don't ever try to even attempt something like what I am doing now. It's not good for your body. Nope. Naah. Not good at all. I bet everything in my body and brain is at war with each other now.
But at least, I get half day off tomorrow. And modDs promised to belanja me watch Sepet tomorrow evening, as a reward for my hard work. Well, this is becoming more like 'dumb work' rather than 'hard work'. Still think I should have left Genting with Lin at 8 in the morning Sunday. Stupid stupid stupid. Amek ubat.
Ini baru betul.. Gila ke apa???
|
Friday, March 04, 2005
the midnight hour
Yes, I am still at the office at this hour. Nope, not going back just yet.
Yes I am on the verge of pulling all hairs out of my head, and everywhere else there is hair.
Been here since 9 in the a.m., and can't take it anymore.
All for Genting.
It had better be worth all this.
It better better better be.
Or else.
*sigh*
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Yes I am on the verge of pulling all hairs out of my head, and everywhere else there is hair.
Been here since 9 in the a.m., and can't take it anymore.
All for Genting.
It had better be worth all this.
It better better better be.
Or else.
*sigh*
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Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Busy Body
Yeah, I'm finally revealing who I am in the last entry. I revealed my life story, written in another one of those random depression states. Believe it or not, that was entirely true. Didn't get that written to show off how strong I am or whatever, sukati aku la kan nak tulis apa pun hahaha.
I am horifically busy.. as being mentioned before. Apparently the earliest I leave the office nowadays is 7.30 p.m. And I am predicting that it will stretch to late nights in the next few days to come. Yes. I am quite sure of that. I don't have much to say, unless you guys wanna hear me rave and rant about my workload. But I do have a new title now.. coz I am transferred to a new subsidiary company, named *****(I have learnt not to put the company name in my blog.. that's how my boss found out about my blog last time) Network Technologies.. and I am the new Solution Engineer!! Hahaha yeah I know it sounds like something you can eat or drink or some chemical thingy.. but I am happy, coz FINALLY I got a technical position. Yup yup, finally got what I wanted. To hold a technical position in a telco company. Yahoo for me!! But hey, as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. I am in the middle of coming to terms with that, though I must say, I complain about the workload, but I'm loving the work involved! And getting very very motivated by my 2 new colleagues who are young, successful, and rich. And they're trying to teach me how to get to their level. *Rubs hands together in glee*. Ok ok I gotta get back to work. As for now, I'm leaving you guys with something I received in the mails. I'm sure a lot of people read this one before, but it DID work for me. Made me feel good and smile, for a while at least. Cheerios!
Think about these one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...
IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD
NATURAL HIGHS
1. Being in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No queues at the supermarket.
5. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
6. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
7. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
8. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
9. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)
10. A bubble bath.
11. Giggling.
12. A good conversation.
13. Finding a $20 note in your coat from last winter (or the last time you wore a coat. Malaysia ni kan panas)
14. Running through sprinklers.
15. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
16. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
17. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
18. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to
sleep.
19. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
20. Having someone play with your hair.
21. Sweet dreams.
22. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
23. Holding hands with someone you care about.
24. Running into an old friend and realising that some things
(good or bad) never change.
25. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a
much-desired present from you.
26. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for
another beautiful day.
27. Knowing that somebody misses you.
28. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
29. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other
people think.
Ok I would like to add something myself here.
30. When all else fails, there's always grass!!! Muahahahaha *evil laugh*
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I am horifically busy.. as being mentioned before. Apparently the earliest I leave the office nowadays is 7.30 p.m. And I am predicting that it will stretch to late nights in the next few days to come. Yes. I am quite sure of that. I don't have much to say, unless you guys wanna hear me rave and rant about my workload. But I do have a new title now.. coz I am transferred to a new subsidiary company, named *****(I have learnt not to put the company name in my blog.. that's how my boss found out about my blog last time) Network Technologies.. and I am the new Solution Engineer!! Hahaha yeah I know it sounds like something you can eat or drink or some chemical thingy.. but I am happy, coz FINALLY I got a technical position. Yup yup, finally got what I wanted. To hold a technical position in a telco company. Yahoo for me!! But hey, as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. I am in the middle of coming to terms with that, though I must say, I complain about the workload, but I'm loving the work involved! And getting very very motivated by my 2 new colleagues who are young, successful, and rich. And they're trying to teach me how to get to their level. *Rubs hands together in glee*. Ok ok I gotta get back to work. As for now, I'm leaving you guys with something I received in the mails. I'm sure a lot of people read this one before, but it DID work for me. Made me feel good and smile, for a while at least. Cheerios!
Think about these one at a time BEFORE going on to the next one...
IT DOES MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD
NATURAL HIGHS
1. Being in love.
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.
3. A hot shower.
4. No queues at the supermarket.
5. Taking a drive on a pretty road.
6. Hearing your favourite song on the radio.
7. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
8. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
9. Chocolate milkshake ... (or vanilla ... or strawberry!)
10. A bubble bath.
11. Giggling.
12. A good conversation.
13. Finding a $20 note in your coat from last winter (or the last time you wore a coat. Malaysia ni kan panas)
14. Running through sprinklers.
15. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.
16. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful.
17. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.
18. Waking up and realising you still have a few hours left to
sleep.
19. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.
20. Having someone play with your hair.
21. Sweet dreams.
22. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.
23. Holding hands with someone you care about.
24. Running into an old friend and realising that some things
(good or bad) never change.
25. Watching the expression on someone's face as they open a
much-desired present from you.
26. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for
another beautiful day.
27. Knowing that somebody misses you.
28. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply.
29. Knowing you've done the right thing, no matter what other
people think.
Ok I would like to add something myself here.
30. When all else fails, there's always grass!!! Muahahahaha *evil laugh*
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