I feel like writing a biography....

About a girl, born outside Malaysia, with a S'porean mom and a M'sian Dad.. stayed in S'pore till she was 6. Learnt to read at the age of 4 by immitating her elder sister who was already schooling. Never went to kindergarten coz her Dad thought she was smart enough for a girl her age. Was a very very very timid child... so scared of the world and others around her that she once peed in her pants when she was in standard 1 coz her elder sister was late to bring her to the toilet. A girl sooo quiet in primary school, hardly anyone noticed her around. She was robbed of her last child title when she got yet another sister at the age of 7... She always excelled in school, but no one really noticed it..... A girl, quiet and unpopular, even in her own family and between relatives.. she was just always the timid and shy one.

When she was 13, her family life fell apart. She kept it all to herself.. not allowing others to ever see what's going on. She kept on pretending to be happy and cheerful all the time, though she was really heartbroken and half dead inside. She turned herself into a girl with a boyish image, so that she would appear stronger, and so no one would dare to mess with her. She decided that she has been quiet too long, and became this outgoing noisy and popular girl when she was 15. She's no longer afraid of people around her. She can now speak in front of many others. People start to notice her. Everyone saw this bubbly, noisy, happy girl. Not a single soul knew what's happening in her head. Stopped getting monetary support from her parents as she turned 17. She lived on her own, keeping herself occupied with school and sports and just hanging around. Everyone thought she was fine. She was still doing ok in her studies, so even her parents doesn't know what's going on. They were too wrapped up in their own lives anyway. When they thought she was home by 2 each day, she's actually back at 7. Well, they only came back at night, so no one really even cares to check. They were too busy blaming each other. She became a socialite, trying all new things curious teenagers does, but always taking responsibility for her own actions. She never set the blame on the situation surrounding her, she wasn't influenced by peeps; she does what she does coz she wants to do them. She started smoking, tried drugs, had her fair share of parties, did alcohol, but always had her priorities straight and never fell too deep into a single hole without pulling herself back out.

She had always been Daddy's girl, never close to Mom. But Daddy made a big mistake, one she couldn't blame him for, one she HAS to blame him for. She lost her pillar of strength, her confidante, the only one who understood her. She drew back even further, and her parents started a never-ending tug-of-war between themselves, with her in the middle; never taking sides, never letting their words set in, never a tell-tale, always scolded for being a doormat, always blamed for not seeing their points. She was the one they both complain to, the one they always get approval from, but the only one who never chose.

This same girl cared for her little sister, as the elder one turned into a rebel. She fed, ironed, and cleaned after the little one. She was the one who accompanied the little one to school on the first day of kindergarten, and the first day in primary school. She checked her 'lil sister's bag every day and makes sure all the homework is done. She loved the poor ignored little girl, no matter what a brat she really was. She never went to a boarding school, even though opportunities came knocking non-stop. She couldn't bear to leave the small one unattended. She went to a local Uni with a full scholarship, still nearby, so that she will always know what's going on with the little one. She was happy she managed to finally leave the shit-hole, although worried about what was gonna happen to the messed-up family. She slowly learnt to become a lady in uni, although never able to throw away her gangster-like ways completely.

After she graduated, she decided it's time for her to take charge of her own life, and enough caring about others. She needed to realize her own dreams and potential for once. She knew there's no place for her there any more. The elder sister got married and moved out, the mother went back to her home town and lived alone. Younger sister is in secondary school now, and she believed she has taught the little one enough to never complain and fend for her own as she herself has done all the years. Her Daddy has a new family now, and there was no place to call her home. She decided to move away, and did just that. She wants to build her own home. Her family was against it, but they never did have any say in what she does. She was a rebel in disguise, never answering back, but never listens either. She was and still is, the only hope the family has, the only successful one, but also the only one no one has any control over. She left home, with a bag of clothes, a bus ticket, and 20 bucks in her pocket, determined to start anew.

She got a part-time job at a shopping mall, lived like a nomad for half a year, hopping from one friend's place to another's. She lived the life of a party animal, never seeing the sun, lived nocturnally. Became a full-blown junkie, spending all her money once pay comes in. She had nothing, and was a walking zombie. Went into a depressive state after a while, when she realizes she has a good degree, but no proper job to accompany that. She hasn't achieved what she set out to do. She doesn't want to live that way anymore. She needed more in life.. she needed to pursue her dreams. She quit her part-time job, started applying for jobs ferociously, living on instant noodles and plain water for a while. Got a job a while later, and started setting her life in place. Got herself a car, rented a room, and lived as a normal person would. Learnt to be responsible, learnt to survive no matter how tough the going gets.

Tried to be a filial daughter from far, listened to all her family member's complaint, tried her best to help them. Went back to see her parents every now and then, never failing to send them some cash. Helped her sisters and nephews as often as she could, though she herself is having a hard time surviving by herself. Once in a while she stumbles and fall, but she always got up, dusts herself and kept going, bruises and all. She now has a pillar of strength, her very own pillar of hope and TLC, and she realizes what has been missing from her all the while. And now, maybe, finally, she can see where her life is heading to. It's not going to be easy, it never has been, but she is ready to face the big bad ugly world. The things she went through and experienced in her years, taught her so much about life and the world and how to handle situations. She makes mistakes and admits them, but she also learnt to live with the mistakes. She has loved and lost, but she never gave up loving.


.... that would be one hell of a story now wouldn't it?? It would be bloody long too... that autobiography I was planning to write...

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Yesterday I followed modDs to see some peeps from the mx5 club of Malaysia. Was soooo cool seeing all the cars, and some of them belonged to old uncles! I was impressed........ and modDs, as usual, always managed to get me interested in whatever he's interested in. Was I mad that he wants to get a two-seater?? Nope, far from it. Kinda cool actually, considering I will get to drive the car as well and jual my own saham hahahaha! But I made him promise to get a red one... sure to make heads turn! Esp if I'm driving alone yeahhhhh!!!

So.. if he was to get one.. it will look like this




Yeeehaaaaaaaaa!! Can't wait!!! On another note, I FINALLY got around to renewing my road tax, and boy, am I broke or what!!! After one long month, I can drive in peace without constantly being in fear of roadblocks and traffic police hehehe.

OK peeps. I am still busy. But hey, susah2 dahulu, senang2 kemudian. I'm still keeping hope that I would be able to go to the party next weekend, provided I get all my work done!! Laters!

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Nope, not the end yet. But I am very very sad today.... I have been very very busy as of late.. coz of the bloody tenders and all. But I LIVE by msn and yahoo messenger. Hey, I don't neglect my work. I'm just really really good at multi-tasking. Kan b??? And this morning, I got a call from the network admin.. saying that she found out I am using YM and MSN, and a new protocol has been established. No usage of any kind of messenger, unless approved by the biggest boss of all. As of now, only the bosses use them, and the only people on their lists are the other bosses. How boring.

So I am sad. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Yeah sure there's the web messenger if I'm losing my mind... but it's too stupid and irritating to use. Demmit!!! Who am I supposed to complain to at various times of the day?? modDs and I are online with each other every day of every week of every working month. *sob.sob* Mengada kan?? Sheeshhh... no motivation to work on anymore. Shite. I'm sure I'm gonna lose some clients for this free love-counselling service I am offering too.


Urgh.. gotta get back to work. And serious sulking to do the whole day. Tata.


Looks like this is the last chat with my fiance this morning

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Hmmm... apparently a lot of peeps I know are having this sort of mental block or bloggers block or whatsoever u might wanna call it. My very-much-better-than-me other half seems to have lost interest in blogging too. No.. I do not have anything to do with it. I asked him, and he just said he 'felt like the end is near'. That sounds like something out of Star Wars doesn't it?

As for me... so far.. I still am going on. But then, I might just burn out too. And maybe when I do, I won't be able to even leave a goodbye note. I might just leave it as it is and disappear into the mystical darkness without a trace. Well, nothing is untraceable nowadays huh?? Paling korok pon can use friend-finder by Maxis, which by the way, I think is the stupidest service to be offered. Criminal breach of privacy. Call je la.. if they want to be found, they will pick up the phone. Hahaha.

I am miserably and depressingly busy these days. I have 2 bloody tenders to work on, closing early March. And since there's only 3 people working on them, that's a LOT of work to do. The most depressing thing is, there's the ZoukFest on the Saturday before the tender closing. And I have to come in to work during the weekend. Meaning, chances of being able to go for the party, is VERY slim. That's the first party I had planned to go to this year. Bummer. And like I said, updating might take time. But I HAD to do it today, just for the simple fact that I am tired of looking at my own metal teeth. Urgh.

The progress on the gigi so far?? Not too bad actually.. I can now live with the metals in my mouth. Only thing is, they hurt in the mornings. I believe I sleep grinding my teeth. And I am still too lazy to eat. I think it's too much hassle to worry about food being stuck in between the metals. So I'm better off without eating. I only eat at the comfort of my own home, or when modDs is around. Then he can check and see for me if anything's stuck. Hahaha. Maybe I worry too much. But hey, better than having green things stuck the whole day without realizing it. I can chew a fair amount, though I still end up chewing off some lip or flesh with the metals. But I still can't for the life of me, bite anything to save myself. Irritating. And I've lost 3 kgs in the span of 1 week. Yes, NOW I can wear bikinis. No problemo. Lost all the buncit-ness and the spare tyres. Cool jugak kan?

Ok that's it. I have to get back to work. Wanna see minah kilang at work??



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Title ni dapat, courtesy of our dear Mini Ninie who's always cheerful for me, but not cheerful to herself. But hey.. tribute to you ninie, and as per your request, I'm posting this for you. Hope I can at least make u laugh. Ouh, but to those tired of hearing about my gigi, stop reading. Now.

Yups, Kupu-kupu was the one who referred me to the dentist. And she posted about braces too, so no need for me to describe the pain and suffering I am going thru now as she has explained it in detail. The price to pay to be beautiful.

Refer to this pic of my gigi as posted in the earlier entry.... so to those yang tak habis2 pester aku sebab nak tengok gigi baru, here it is. There's another pic I took myself of the full set, but that pic was taken just for me to analyze it myself. Don't dare to put it here. I don't want any readers to have sleepless night because of the horrendous image.

This pic was taken in the car on Sunday, by modDs, of me practising my smile. I just noticed, that since I have not smiled showing my teeth since I was a child, I have no idea how to. And with the braces now, there's no way to smile with my mouth closed, or else it will just look like a deep frown. So here's one of my first attempts at smiling with my metal teeth. It's a bit blur, I'm guessing it's because modDs was shaking while trying hard not to laugh out loud at my trying hard to smile naturally while asking between the metals, "senyum macam ni ok tak??".




p/s: Apparently, I love making fun of myself lately kan?? And exposing more of things once-upon-a-time embarrasing to me. Why ah?? Ouh, and I'm going to be horrifically busy starting tomorrow.. so pardon me if updating takes time. Naaaa forget it. I will probably still sneak in some time to blog. As usual.

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Yeah it's the second post of the day. Frankly, I don't care. Hahaha. I didn't forget of course today is Valentine's. But I wanted to post about my holidays and also I wanted to post about Valentine's, but it had to be special right? I need a separate post for this. I don't really believe in Valentine's day. Not to the extent I think it's so much a day to celebrate love when u can do it everyday. But I admit it is a good 'reminder' for as all, to do something not 'everyday', if u get what I mean. U show ur love everyday, but there's something slightly more special for Valentine's. Good day to make someone feel better and appreciated right?

I was chatting with Acid just now, and I asked him what he's doing for his wife for Valentine's. He said, "nothing". I got pissed at him. I told him to do something small yet sweet, not neccessarily get flowers, as everyone's always complaining that flowers are expensive this time of year. U can always get chocolates, or cake, or a card, better still one that's hand-made. He said he doesn't believe in Valentine's either, but hey, I told him one thing I always hold in mind. It's the small things that mean the most. Girls just wanna feel appreciated once in a while right girls? No, I'm not hinting to anyone, not to you either baby. Just a thought in my mind. Most people, they get to the 'comfy' stage at one point in relationships. Yes, I do too. It's the stage where u know u're with the other half, and doing nothing or something will still get u to the same place. So u don't bother much. It's a 'penyakit' we all have. It's the same with our jobs or with everything else. I, for one, NEVER wanna get to that stage. Which is why, I detest anyone who says "marriage is boring". We can make it UN-boring, if we decide to focus on the small things. Surprises, presents, a note pasted on the wall once in a while, any type of gesture not done everyday. Everyone can make marriage interesting. Plan a sudden short getaway, or ANYTHING. It will work I bet you.

On the other hand, we're not doing anything for Valentine's. No romantic dinner. But it's ok.. I will still see modDs later. No dinner for the simple fact that I can't eat jack, for one, and he had to complete some work for a presentation he has tomorrow. Poor poor baby. I am human. I complain, but deep down inside I do understand. He's still making the effort to see me though, and to put bonjela on my ulcers for me as his very the manja fiancee won't do it on her own. Mengada. How can I ask for more? I can't even chew anything so what's the point of going for dinner right?? Hahahaha.

To my baby, Happy Valentine's Day honey. Last year we celebrated it as a couple with a dinner he planned, and though it backfired, it was a great day at the end. We dressed up and all, and I got chocolates instead of flowers everyone else got. I loved it. This year, I'm celebrating it with my fiance, with newly-fixed painful braces, and him having to work tonight. But it's all good. Next year, we'll be husband and wife. Now who can beat that????

Loving you
Is easy because you're beautiful....
Loving you
Is more than just a dream come true....
And everything that I do
Is out of loving you....

No one else can make me feel
The colors that you bring....
Stay with me while we grow old....
And we will live each day in spring time....

Because loving you....
Has made my life so beautiful....
And every day of my life
Is filled with loving you....
Loving you....
I see your soul come shining through....
And everytime that we....
Oh I'm more in love with you....

*had to censor some lines. tak sesuai utk semua peringkat umur.


Our latest pic together. You ARE beautiful baby, inside out.

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This is going to be a mighty long post. Don't start to read, if u don't wanna get confused and bored. Hahahaha. Yup, just back from a long long holiday. 5 days. Lama la tu kan?? I must say I had a great break, though short. And we took tonnes of piccies too. I will post some as I tell my story.. but not all will be uploaded. I'm too lazy and my mouth hurts. I will get to that later. Also, my photocleaner somehow got corrupted and I am not bothered to edit the pics one by one. Bet u guys will get to see lots of the piccies from time to time. My pictures archive is really growing... no idea how to collect them all if I have to change my pc one day. So here goes.. the happenings during this one week.


Wednesday: yanz n modDs went back to JB, tumpang Kecik a.k.a. Fariz. Nawi their hsemate went along too. modDs got to meet xman finally. Hmmm to me he has 'grown' quite a bit, but hey, he said he's 'prosperous'. Whatever turns u on, xman. Here are their piccies, courtesy of Nawi, who couldn't keep his hands off the camera. Padan muka kecik, muka kena display kat sini. Pandai masuk blog org baca senyap2, kena pay the consequences hahahahaha! Anyone interested?? He has a Honda car, a well-paying job, and is very much lonely and available. hahahahahahahhaa!


Kecik a.k.a. Fariz

the xman himself

When we got to JB, we bought bus tickets to go back to KL on Friday night, then Mynn picked us up from Larkin and took us to City Square coz I needed to meet Amy, my 'lil sis who's not-so-little. She's working part-time at McDonald's there. Hard to believe she's done schooling la. Seems like yesterday she was just in kindergarten. Kids nowadays grow up so fast.. or we're getting old? We took the bus to S'pore from there, then the MRT to get to my mom's place, bought some take-away fast food, and we got home at 8++. Had dinner with mommy dearest, watched some tv (how I missed S'pore channels... they've got great shows lined up for the hols!!!) and we went to sleep about midnight.

Thrusday: Initially planned to have breakfast at Coffee Bean nearby, but I couldn't wake modDs up till about noon. Hahaha. So I made some scrambled eggs instead. Then we went to see Nenek and some aunts around. Ate till we almost burst. In the evening, we went out to Bugis Village and Boat Quay.




Went home at night, slept early coz we were sooo tired from the day's outing.

Friday: Woken up early by momma, got ready, and had our breakfast at Coffee Bean. Then we took the MRT and bus to another uncle's house, had lunch there, then we left about 2 to meet ZeN, a friend I met through blogging. (Check out her blog too, she posted some piccies of our trip there too). Went to the Science Center, and we had a blast!!! Was soooo much fun!!




Then ZeN took us to go makan at West Coast, where we had some reaaallllyyy good seafood!!! We ate sooooo much!! She wouldn't let us pay for the great food and taxi fares. Isk ZeN nih. nvm, when u come down to KL it's on us k??


before and after

She then took us to a park she frequented a lot, and we sat and chilled and talked. Later in the night, she got her friend to send us all the way to Woodlands, where we made our way back to JB to catch the midnight bus to KL. Sempat went for drinks with Mynn again a while, then off we went on the bus trip, our first ever outstation one together. Shows how manja we are right? We take the car everywhere. I had his shoulder to sleep on all the way from JB to KL and he had the top of my head :) Fifi fetched us from Pudu and sent us home at 4 a.m. Pays to have friends everywhere u know. They're always around whenever u need some kind of help.

Saturday: Went for my dentist's appointment. Yup, I'm now the girl with the metal teeth, and will be so for the next 1.5 to 2 years. Sob! The price to pay to be beautiful. Hurts so damn bad too. Hasn't been able to eat since then. Makin kurus laaa aku nih.

Sunday: Went for modDs' schoolmate's wedding in Gemas. I had no idea Gemas was THAT far away till we went yesterday. Didn't help that my mouth was aching the whole day, till my whole head pounded, and I forgot to take the painkillers with me. Could only look at the nasi minyak, ayam goreng and kari kambing. Demmit.

So that's it.. for all the stories of what we did during the holidays. My teeth and mouth still hurts like @$**(&^$#@$*()(*$@!@%*((^!@%$#$E@*(&!(^^% and I am so not in the mood for much right now. Oh, and my poor mom is still missing me. She called me crying on the phone the day we left S'pore. Took me a while to figure out that I haven't spent time with her, mostly I go back to JB and stayed with Dad. When she got me to herself for 2 days, she was so so happy. Then I left as fast as I came. Poor mom. She kept wanting me to go back and be near her, but hey, I need my own life too. *Sigh*


The boy in the MRT, and the boy with his mother-in-law, who adores him


me and me momma

The whole trip was fun, though tiring. Been sooo long since we took public transportation, and we walked hell of a lot my legs are still aching. And again, thanks to Mynn and Fifi for the rides. And ZeN, I LOVE YOU!!!! She was such a great host and friend!!

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Yeah yeah I know everyone's tired of looking at my teeth. Here's a new post. Though it's going to be a short one. I'm seriously sleep-deprived. Everytime, come Sunday, I won't be able to sleep. Must be due to Friday and Saturday nights sleeping come morning light, and waking up late afternoon. Haiya.. my sleeping times are becoming jumbled up, and nowadays I notice that I can't sleep more than 8 hours. Weekdays I only get 5. Isk.... such sleep disorder. Need my 'medication'... pls hurry b??? Last night, I managed to get some sleep after 3, then it was filled with nonsensical dreams, and I kept waking up, and finally I woke up feeling fresh, looked at the clock, and it was only 4.30!!!! Gila tension!!!! Just got 1.5 hours sleep.. and it wasn't deep sleep even. Couldn't sleep till morning... siap lepak living room, smoked, drank water, even took 4 painkillers as I was developing migraine, and I was hoping the painkillers would knock me off. NOTHING WORKED.

Got up when modDs called at 7.15, frustrated with the lack of sleep, and went to work as a zombie. I was kinda in a trance the whole day.. floating about. Luckily I was busy the whole day, and I had photographer duty, the interest kept me awake.

We're going to Singapore Wednesday!! Yeay!!! Can't wait!!! And ZeN has promised to take us to the Science Center for free!! And the Omni Theater too!!! I looooovvvveeee the science center!! Last went there when I was a kid.

PMS monster is here. It's really a vicious and ugly one this time. Poor poor modDs have to keep up with me. He's sooooo patient, and I am one helluva lucky gal. Since I carik pasal with him almost every single hour the past few days. Sikit2 nak merajuk. Sikit2 nak terasa. Sikit2 salah. MENGADA!!!!

Gotta go now. I need to lie down. Migraine coming again, and I finished all my pills. Don't know if I can even drive. Urgh. I'll update again tomorrow.




So much for the short post.

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Not the Indonesian band gigi. It's gigi as in teeth. My teeth. My ugly ugly teeth. *sigh*. Has always been so, since I was a child. I have susunan gigi yg sungguh tidak teratur sekali. The top ones, are large.. all of 'em, overlapping each other. And ONE particular one wants to 'stand out' more than the others. The bottom ones? Are small tiny ones, with some places having a slight gap ala2 madonna gitu. Always wondered WHY they won't grow in proper proportion and alignment. Isk. Maybe it's genetic. My mom has those buck teeth, or orang melayu kata jongang. Dad's teeth are ok. Kakak, she's lucky. She got those perfect teeth. I got my problems, and Amy seemed to ikut mom with those buck teeth.

Ever since I was a child, my mom always told me to get braces for myself when I grow up and have my own money. Though most of the kids started wearing braces in school itself... we never could afford those so she told me to get them when I can pay for them myself. She said, "nanti dah tua tak lawa.. nanti takde orang nak kawen ngan adik.. betulkan la gigi tu nanti". I never understood that. Hahaha. And yeah, at that time, I could not be bothered. I figured, if guys want me, takkan la they wanna push me away just coz I have ugly teeth?? So aku pun dengan egonya jawab la balik, "alaaa kalau org tanak kat adik sebab gigi tak lawa, then he's just looking on the surface. i can find better guys". Which is kinda true. And I did believe in the term "beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder." Of course, as time goes by, I DID want to do something with my teeth, but by the time I have my own money, I have too many other responsibilities, and also was kinda embarassed to pakai braces dah tua2 bangka ni. So it was ignored.

As a result of all those, I am DAMN BLOODY CONSCIOUS of my teeth. I cover my mouth when I laugh, I NEVER smile with my mouth open when taking pics, I tried my best to hide them from the world. Of course people notice. U can only cover so much. But hey, better than being called Mr.Os or something right? Yeah, I did have those nicknames, though no one dares to call me that to the face. Takut kena penumbuk sulung aku kot. I was approached a few times for modelling and such (ONLY on the basis that I am tall and thin.. they don't really care about ur face, mekap can do wonders), but I never dared, coz I knew I have ugly teeth. Takkan nak masuk iklan sengih2 nampak gigi besau nak mampus.

But now... I feel like I wanna do something about it once and for all. Firstly, it's for the wedding. But I still can't afford to, and I'm not sure if they have 6 month's options. I've never been to a dentist before, only those in school la. Yeah walaupun gigi aku buruk, tak penah ada tampal ke cavity ke apa ke. Sihat jek selama ni. Secondly, well, maybe I'm finally listening to my mother. Untuk bekalan hari tua wahahahaha. That sounds kinda funny. Then maybe kids won't run for cover when they see me smiling with all my teeth visible. So, this weekend, modDs will take me to the dentist, and we'll see what we can do about them. Kalau takleh buat apa dlm jangka masa kejap and tak mampu, camtu la dia sampai ke tua.. at least I will have some 'unique' features huh??


One of those pics yang candid maka terlepas nampak gigi penuh. Scary huh?? Selama ni korang semua tertipu ingat aku lawa ahahahaha tak penah nampak gigi ye la lawa kot.. sekali nampak gigi, hancussssss

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Yeah sure everyone goes through this.
Yeah sure it's normal.
Yeah most prolly I'm to be blamed.
Yeah sure everything will be ok again.
I did it first didn't I?
I was at fault.
Stupid stupid girl. Very stoooooooopid.
Padan muka yanz.



Just wish the screaming would stop.
I hate to hear screaming voices.


Or am I just scared??

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