I haven't blogged for quite some time. I have no idea why. My last post was almost a week ago. That's so not me. Not to say I have been busy, not to say I was too busy partying till the after-effects killed more brain cells than it should. I was just fine. I still go to office daily without fail at 9 a.m. and sit motionless at my PC for the next 8 hours. The boss wasn't around, and I took a lot of opportunity going out and all. Hmmm maybe I shouldn't be writing this. The boss found my blog once, and yeah of course he could find it again. Hahaha.

Can't say nothing's been happening either. I would like to believe I am an interesting person (barfing effect in the background please), and yeah some stuff has been happening. Not to say they're all bad, not all good either. Just not the sort of things to go down in history. We go out a whole lot lesser now, we must be getting old. The past weekend, we stayed home in the night and we wake up early in the morning to go get stuff done. Something's wrong with us. Are we finally becoming 'normal'???? NOOOOOOOO.....!!! We didn't party for xmas, we didn't even go out xmas eve. No plans to party new year's eve either. Yup, DEFINITELY something wrong with us.

Everyone's talking about the tsunami thing. I'm not heartless to feel nothing at that issue, just it kinda freaked me out a lot. Feels like the end of the world is near. *Shrugs hard. Adjust collar and jacket. Look left and right. Get the thought out of head. Yanz in denial.*

2 days to go till new year huh... god how time flies!! Did we all fill this 2004 meaningfully?? Ok, what sentence was that?? Hahaha. What I meant to say was, did u all think that 2004 was filled with meaningful memories and stuff? For me, I must say 2004 was a year full of lessons. I am one of those weirdos who keep track of what I do daily. I don't really keep a diary, I think this blog serves that purpose. More like I scribble what I do n where I go in my organizer. In point forms. Like for yesterday, I wrote down "boring day, b'fast Khalifah Lin n Ahpek, langok @ opis, Devi's, home chill stone drink". Get what I mean? That is the purpose of my organizer to me. Not to organize future events, but to record past ones. Hahaha I am an idiot. I've been doing this the past few years, since I was in uni. Helps me remember stuff. So let's go through it from January.. (voice from crowd: yanz, enough of the whole 'summing up 2004' deal ok??) sorry, can't help it.


LESSONS LEARNT IN 2004

1 Operations, no matter how simple the procedure, hurts like hell. Especially the stupid LARGE-ASS needle stuck in ur wrist.
2 Once u have a car, u will ALWAYS need a car. So don't get in an accident n whine like a baby when u r left car-less for the next one month or so
3 Meeting the other-half's parents is always scary. No matter how much u think u need to prepare, u never will be prepared, so just get it over with.
4 When u party every single weekend, it gets boring. It's the same shit over n over again.
5 Always learn to understand people. Put urself in someone else's shoe though u cannot for the life of u understand why someone would need 20 hours of sleep daily
6 Going back to ur hometown is always refreshing. So is seeing ur high school buddies again after 7 years and screaming ur head off at seeing their changes at someone's wedding n making a fool out of urself.
7 Always support whatever ur friends do, doesn't matter if u think their band sucks like hell and u can't understand the punk-ass kids jumping about without their shirts on.
8 U will always get depressed sometimes. It doesn't necessarily mean there's something wrong with u or with anything else around u. Don't take it out on others. They're innocent bystanders.
9 Organize ur stuff proper when ur moving house. Get proper boxes and label them. Don't carry ur stuff out in plastic bags. It will only irritate people who are trying to help u when the bags tear coz u put hammers in them and stuff. Ouh, and throw away all the junks. No, u wont find use for them in ur next life.
10 If u go to Ikea, always make sure u have a list in ur hand for the things u REALLY intend to buy. Walk straight to the isle, get ur stuff, and pay immediately. Helps to leave ur credit card at home too.
11 Learn to 'sense the tone'. That's VERY important in relationships.
12 Give ur other half freedom no matter what they wanna do. If they wanna keep their 'misai tanglung' and shave of their really cute goatie u love, let them be. Much much better than arguing.
13 Sense the reaction too. If ur other half is really mad and u still pull the pout he once said was cute, and all u get is a blank stare, lose the pout. At this moment, NOTHING u do is cute.
14 For job interviews, always go as urself. Talk bullshit or whatever, but never PRETEND to know stuff u don't. It seriously WILL backfire.
15 Give face to ur EX, but to a very very low limit. Once they push the limit, send them a going-away gift n get the hell out of there. It's not worth the trouble.
16 If someone messes with u in a childish way, it doesn't help to stick ur tongue out to them. It makes u just as childish. IGNORANCE IS BLISS.
17 A home theater system, is one of the best investments u could indulge in. IF u are a movie buff that is. And buying those real cheap new movies DVD would be a waste as it won't have Dolby Digital or THX sounds. And a projector is way better than a plasma.
18 Make sure u know what ur getting into when the time comes for u to get married. Parents will take u a whole lot more seriously if u can keep a straight face when telling them these facts.
19 Honesty, IS, HAS BEEN, WILL ALWAYS BE the best policy. REALLY. (no pun intended here)
20 Don't expect others to like what u like, n u don't really have to like what others like. The key here is to be 'adaptable' n able to 'layan'. It will be beneficial.
21 Kursus kahwin, will be boring no matter how many celebrities has been to that place. Just close ur eyes, and get it over with.
22 Go all out for birthdays, anniversaries and other celebrations. Making others happy is the best satisfaction and contentment u can ever get.
23 U don't always have to be completely honest when kids ask questions. Sometimes u have to protect them from things that would only confuse them further.
24 Never argue with the boss. U will ALWAYS be wrong.
25 Never raise ur voice with the other half too. It's a whole load easier to settle things calmly. Learn to control ur temper too.

I think there's a whole lot more lessons learnt, but I'm getting tired of typing. And this is getting damn long. I am getting hungry too. Ouh, and I wanted to put up these pics, of sunset I took from my apartment balcony. The sun of 2004 going down on us.. Love the orangy sun. Take care peeps.

|

I got this idea from posting the previous entry. Again another way to sum up 2004. Well, in case some of u guys don't know, WE will be a year come new year. Hehehe. Kecoh kan padahal baru setahun. So.. this year alone, we started as a couple, gotten strong, held on, fought, and still came out victorious. And with the help of the trusty Fuji s602z I was able to come up with this compilation of our pics. Ermm not entirely with the same camera actually. Some were taken from friends' camera. While I was trying to compile our pics taken from each month, only then did I notice how hard it is to get OUR pics together. Yeah sure we take the camera out with us a lot. But most pics, are of something else, some other peeps, or of me, or him alone. Hahaha. Doesn't help we're always fighting to have the camera. Some of these pics came from other cameras, and some I had to cut from a group photo. Some memang buruk gila, some look ok.. some I have no other choice. Hahahaha.

So here's the chronicles of our couple-hood throughout 2004.. our changes and all. Must say I haven't changed a lot, but modDs sure did. Cam dah hensem skang kan banding ngan dulu busuk2?? Hehehehe.




|

I am : a crazy sexy cool lazy sleepy psychotic bitch
I live : on the edge of the world
I speak : malaynglish with some mandarin. most of what comes out of my mouth is bull
I eat : like i was born in somalia. but i eat whatever whenever wherever.
I drink : milo every single morning. and i'm still not fat! (not intending to brag)
I smoke : like a dragon once.. but i'm slowing down.. a lot!
I wear : boxers to sleep. hahaha some would find that sexy 'aight?
I listen : to a different cd every single day. the time to warm the engine is the time i flip through the cds and choose the sound of the day.
I see : dead people. hahahahahahah!
I smell : like fish? i smell laa apa2 hal everyday back from work hahahaha! but someone lovessss sniffing me hahahaha!
I read : other people's blog. and reader's digest. need that to keep sanity.
I write : whatever's on my mind pretending i'm carrie bradshaw
I love : to write whatever's on my mind. ouh, i got the meaning wrong? i love my baby, of course! gila ke apa tak sayang....
I hate : nothing about him.
I think : i'm paranoid. and crazy. and i'm weird. and i'm naughty hehehehehe *wink*
I believe : in fairies. hahahaha.
I hope : my plans for next year will go on smoothly.. *prays hard*
I need : to wax my legs and shave my armpits. hahahaha! ok that was disgusting i know.
I want : to rock with u!! yes, u!!


I've been addicted to surveys and quizzes a while back on friendster. Well, I still do them now, only at a much much slower rate. Yes, I'm one of those who floods the bulletin board with pointless useless facts about moi. I don't care if people read them or not, I do them out of boredom. Hahahaha. Sure way to kill those hours. So for today's post, let's do more surveys, with elaborations. Some sort of a way to sum up 2004 for me. Yes people. I just realized today that it's less than 10 days to 2005. 2004 just zoomed past for me. But it was a good year nonetheless. I LOVE 2004!!! (well it was the year I found true love so... hehehehehe) 2003 was a shitty year for me.. but i'm wayyyy past that. was digging tru myspace, and i posted this in the blog there a while back. 26th dec 2003 to be precise. this was what i wrote

"5 days to go... can't f**king wait for 2003 to pass... not to say it hasn't been good... i must say that this is the year i went tru the most changes in my life... earlier i started off the year as a full-time bum n part time druggie.. wasted n broke as hell.. wanted to give up long ago.. pack up n leave again... but hey i was in love... so what else did matter? we went tru everything together... stuck on.. held on.. look at least i'm somewhere now.. got a job.. a car.. a place to call my room at least... suddenly my whole world crumbled 3 months or so ago............................... how was i to go on? was devastated, flabbergasted, fell like i never fell before.. to the lowest deepest darkest furthest pit... and hey i'm not kidding the pits i have fallen into before has been quite deep.. but this i thought i couldn't handle... the time i took to get back on my feet were the worst times of my life... never been tru this... never felt that way..................................... this coming 2004 i'm gonna put everything behind... get on.. move on... close this book and open a new one..... find love.... n succeed.. we'll see......
2004, HERE I COME, GONNA ROCK THE WORLD!"

hahahaha baca balik gila poyo!! but that was more like picking myself up. i wrote that for me and myself. my own motivation. i was a living dead then. but..... take a look at me noooowwwwwww (ala2 mariah carey). i did a lot of thinking this year i think.. helps a whole lot that me other half got a good head on his shoulders... did a lot of self-realization and self-assessment... HE gave me this formulae when we were still nothing but friends..
self-assessment+self-realization=depression+apprehension+confusion... think that's kinda true..

so let's sum up 2004 shall we? i got this from Weween's blog. got this posted on friendster too teehee! old habits die hard man...

how many boyfriends?
only one this year

how many breakups?
none

how many crushes?
none too

care to mention any names?
none to mention. haiya this is getting boring

missed anyone?
yesh! miss someone since 1st january! miss me dad a lot this year too.

won anything?
i won hearts!! hehehehehe. lots of 'em! 10 to be exact.. maybe more... hmmmm

best place you went to?
regenerate cyberjaya on NYE.. all the way into 2004!!! and every other party, hell every place we were together. ouh, moving into DP is one of the best things too!

worst place you went to?
hmmmmmm.... *think think* ouh must be the hospital.. KJMC hahahaha hated that!

best moment?
12 midnight 1st January 2004..... hahahahahahha!

worst moment?
the time when i just woke up from the operation.. screaming bloody murder.. sakit sial!

best present?
diamond pendant from mummy and me wallet from moddster :)

movie?
hmmm.... butterfly effect? infernal affair? incredibles? hard to answer this man.. im a movie buff!

song?
this year's love.. david gray. hahaha im so bloody sentimental. lots of reliving rock from the old days too... lots of new additions to me cd collection.

month?
september.. hmmmmmm...... baby's bday month and the same month families unite!! hehehehe

lesson you've learned from 2004?
my pain is self-chosen. shite happens. honesty IS the best policy. to be grateful is the key to happiness. ignorance is bliss, and idiots are meant to be ignored. damn, i've learnt a lot. ouh and a few more.
how to learn to control ur temper for dummies.
anger, fights and misunderstandings management.
patience workshop.
god, that IS a lot.

hopes for this new year?
pekerja contoh bulanan. new car. new life. new salary. wifey?? heheheh

clothing item or outfit of the year?
short plaited skirts japanese schoolgirl style. yeah!!

hairstyle of the year?
side parting with wispy fringe hehehehe. so gedik!

jewelry of the year?
the one ring to rule them all

makeup product of the year?
eye-liner?? and eyebrow shaver hahahahahah! oopss thats a tool right? ahh mampos laa

color of the year?
orange and red!!

car of the year?
HONDA JAZZ!!!!!!

food of the year?
ermm... burger daging special cheese abg kat mamak bawah DP

drink of the year?
vanilla coke! apple juice and longan ais

class of the year?
class apa? class memasak? class tido ada laa
kot hahahaha! yeah man i slept a whole load this year.

recreational activity of the year?
DVDs!!! woooohoooo!!! genting, parties, weddings, JB.... s'pore... what else?

so how was ur year??
GREAT!!! WONDERFUL!! I LOVE 2004!!!!! and sure hell looking forward to 2005!


p/s: sorry no piccies to go along with this post.. i've got an idea dah what to post in the days to come before new year.. gonna take a while to compile though... cheers!

|

i'm having one of those blocks.
i wanna blog, but i sit and stare at this 'create new post' page for ages.
no idea what to type.
something's wrong with me?
maybe it's the regular migraines i'm getting now.
might delete or edit this later.
chiow.

|

Today, I want to write about my best friend, from school, Senah. Here she is.





Yes, it's a she, and yes, she doesn't look like any normal girls. Fi, as others would call her, is a 'pengkid', or tomboy. Why I'm writing this now is, I wanna change other people's perception about people of her 'kind'. Now, u might say that this is because I was once like her. Yeah well I was. Only the appearance though. I never had any relationships with any girls before, and I've never kissed a girl. On the lips. Hahaha except maybe recently.. tu pun pasal aku sasau n ter-sayang lebih2 kat kengkawan. Fi, on the other hand, has relationships with girls and such.

Some of my friends, I'm not mentioning names, always gawk at 'girls' like this. Selalu kene kata like "eeee tengok tu konon hensem laa tuh.. celaka nyer pengkid dapat awek cun.. apa yg awek2 ni nampak pada pengkid tu?? bukan diorg ada k*te pun!.. hek eleh nengok pompuan tuh berangan nak jadik jantan.. dah tua2 tak sedar diri, sampai bila nak camtu?? bila nak ubah??". Well, I detest comments as such. Not just coz I am best friends with one of 'em, but just coz.... well, they didn't disturb anyone. Not as if there would be lesser girls for guys to 'mengorat' pun kan?? If pretty girls go for other girls instead of guys, it's just their sex orientation laa kan?

Lesbians and gays, make awesome friends I tell u. They're the best kind I think. They're just humans like u and me. Why treat them different?? It's their own freedom.. no reasons why we should detest them or shun them out of society. Some people I know, hates people like Senah. And she too knows, that some people can't accept her for how she is. Which is why, she doesn't mix around much. She doesn't know if people can accept her. I lepak with her a lot, and I bring my circle of friends to meet her too. I don't care if they can't stand people like her, I just want them to kenal personally such a person. She gets along fine with all my friends, even modDs. They team up to bully me a lot nowadays.

I, although changed in looks, still is her very best friend. It's a 'wajib' thing for me to see her whenever I'm back in JB, and whenever she's in town, she'll come see me too. My own father never questioned why she's like that.. she comes to the house a lot. Her mother calls me her 'daughter' too. Abah, I respect. He's not like those makciks n pakciks who look weird at people who are different. Senah can come to the house with the very brown and spiky hair-do and cargo bermudas, piercing on her lip and still Abah would smile and ask her, "so amacam Fi?? Keje bagus? Mak sihat??". I asked him once, if he was ok with Senah looking like that and all, and his answer was simple. "Why should I care what she LOOKED like? She has great respect for me. She never fails to come and salam me even though I'm at the back of the house doing some work. Whenever she sees me anywhere in town too she never fails to tegur me. Not like some of Amy's friends who never respects...." I totally agree with Abah. Fi is just like any other humans. She looks different yes. But she still has adat, hormat and all. She's a great friend to me since school, and even though I'm no longer in the 'circle', we're still good friends. She didn't shut me out when I've changed, why can't society accept her for who she is??

Our topic for talks has changed. Now I tell her all about my boyfriend, and she talks about girls she met and her relationships with them. We totally understand each other. Hehehe

And she's in town. I'll be meeting her later. I'm meeting my best friend later!! yeay!!

|

I was kinda depressed earlier today. We're having the company's yearly evaluation today. No, I did not get fired or get scolded. I was just thinking on how I'm still sitting on my ass doing nothing much though earlier on when I joined the company I was bursting with ideas and thinking of ways to make changes, do something worthwhile, bla bla bla. Something sort of like the idea of me becoming the next Mighty Mouse in this place. "Here I come to save the daaaaayyyy!!!!"

But up till today, I'm doing nothing still. Hahahaha. So much for the swift momentary semangat. Sit on ass all day still, 5 months later.I'm so full of crap. But I din't wanna feel crappy and down all day, so I decided to cheer myself up. Be grateful and appreciate remember?? Baru semalam tulis.

Earlier, I was browsing through all the folders and CDs of pictures I have.. and I have 2 here I would like to show to all. Of the modDster himself. Hahaha. I saw the first pic, and was thinking about how different he looked then. Then I found another pic of recent, same angle, same position, both in the car btw. So I'm putting them up here for all to see. How much he changed in the course of 11 months. Ouh, I edited the 1st pic, changed it to sephia. Just to try my hand at it. Hehehe.

Tell me what u guys think yeah.


panjangnye rambut abg rempit ni dulu. this pic taken 28th January 2004.


spiky hair. pic taken 4th December 2004.

He looks so different kan?? Hmmmmmmm

p/s: exactly a month from now, things are gonna take on a different turn... why??
Tunggguuuuuuuuuuuuu!

|

OK, let's blog. Kinda miss writing long pointless facts and nonsense here. What shall we talk about... I've been meaning to write about something since last week, but I seem to not have the sufficient time and thoughts to write long entries. This is based on a conversation I've had with a friend of mine, Lisa.

Ermm... Lisa might read this one day, and a few people who frequents my blog knows Lisa, but I'm not afraid, as I'm not about to talk bad about her. Just wanted to tell the facts. Lisa, I've known since I was 16. We were in the same class in school, we went to the same Uni, studied the same course, practically lived together for 4 and a half years, and then a while after I came to KL, she followed suit. In the course of 8 years we've known each other, we've been through a lot. Lisa, from the tudung-wearing-very-nerdy-girl-with-the-biggest-bag in an all-girls school (weird kan) to a very cool pretty young exec in KL. And moi, no exception. From a tomboy-ganas-gengster-always-on-the-field girl to what I am today. Konon2 yuppie berjaya although still tak berduit dari dulu sampai sekarang.


And the other day, thru ym, she asked me about life. I'm like a counsellor to so many of my friends. Pandai jek aku nak cakap benda2 org suka dengar. Cam bagus gila. Hahahahaha. We were talking about how some guys are so damn F@#$ing rich n stuff, they can drive this car that car, they have this and that. She was asking me how to be rich. But I pointed out to Lisa, a lot of problems comes from being rich. This I know, from a best friend of mine. T.


T and I, we went way back. Not too long in years, but we've been thru some shit together. We started off, working part-time together at a gym, with the pay of 5 bucks an hour. After some months, we started as engineers together, in the same company. We get fresh-grad pay. All the while, we always complained about how money is never enough. From taking buses (motorbike for him), to having our own cars, from complaining about fares, to complaining about the rise in petrol price. We were always sad, how we don't have enough to care for ourselves, much less to send money home to our parents. And then, he started working hard, doing some side business and all, and lucky for him, his efforts and hard work paid off. He now, has 5 figure income monthly. Alhamdulillah... I was so happy for him. But now, he still comes to me. For advice and all. He's still not happy. Why???


Now that he has money, all his family's chasing after him. Expecting him to help them do everything. He works his ass off, day and night. He has no life, no time for other stuff, no time even for himself. And I reminded him of old days. That time, we only see money as our problem. Life is tough yes, but the main thing, we believe, is coz we don't have money. We didn't see other problems. We thought money could solve everything. Now that he has them, why isn't he still happy? Humans. Why are we like that? Could never be explained right? When we were broke, we saw money as our solution. When we have money, time went missing. Other problems came to mind. Those problems, has always been there. We were just blinded by the fact that we're broke, hence, in our mentality, nothing else mattered.


The reason, why, I never wanted to be rich. Yes, I am weird. I NEVER wanted to be rich. It's because I know of the sacrifices we need to give up for money. Time. Loved ones. Fun. We will stop appreciating the things in life. I wanted to have a LIFE. Not that I know the true meaning of life, it's subjective. U give meaning to your own life. To me, what's the point of having money, but nothing else? I wouldn't mind being broke, but happy. Lisa said this too. She wants to be happy, but she feels she has so much lacking in life.


Happiness, is again, subjective. How do u define happiness??? Has anyone of you met a person who's happy? Entirely happy, without a care in the world?? In 24 years, I have not met such a person. Everyone has something to complain about. Everyone says they lack in this and that. A person with money, complains about being lonely and single. A person who has love, complains that they're poor. A person who's successful, has no time for their loved ones. A person whose family loved him dearly and hands him everything on a silver platter, complains that his life is so messed up and he's constrained and all the what-nots. A girl who has love, complains that her bf spits when he talks and he digs his nose in public. A boy with a girlfriend, complains that she can't fit a cup C bra.


Through my own observation, my own study, my own point of view, I came up with a conclusion. I saw what was wrong here. No one, actually APPRECIATES fully what they have. They only saw what they don't have. They saw what's missing, not what they have. We always go searching, for things we do not have, things that are far-reached, because we 'believe', these things would make us 'happy'. Have any of you stopped, to think, about what you have NOW?? Why bother about things we don't have?? We will never ever be satisfied. We will never be truly happy, because we never learned to appreciate. Life is fair. God is fair. We win some, we lose some. It's the law of the world. If humans have it all, we would all be bastards and sit on our ass all day or we'll want more and more till we die a glutton. If we stopped, to smell the flowers, to feel the love of our parents, our siblings, our other halves, be thankful for our not-much-but-puts-food-on-our-plates paying job, wouldn't the world be a better place? Our own world would be better at least. We would be happier for sure.


And that's what I intend to do. I intend to be grateful and thankful, and appreciate what I have going on for me. I want to be happy, and I believe I can be if I really look for it. I am thankful for my family; though they're far away and they're messed up, but they still love me. I am grateful for my job; though it bores me to death, but still I get paid monthly, and my bills are settled. I am grateful for my small room in my apartment, my small two-door Proton car, my ancient phone, my very few clothes, my torn shoes. And I definitely appreciate having LOVE, doesn't matter if we're broke, doesn't matter if we don't have enough, nothing else matters.


We're all blessed aren't we??




happiness... only a child would know the real meaning..





If you're reading this, Lisa, this goes out to u.

|

I wanted to blog. Since morning. I have like a dozen thoughts running through my head, till I got scared to start blogging. U know me. I can blab non-stop. People's been asking where I get all the ideas to blog from. Well, I don't. I think about one thing, I touch the keyboard, and the next thing I know, I've written about 12,000 words. And then everyone gets tired to read my long long entries.

but now, all of a sudden, i am stunned. no idea what to write dah.


Ouh, I went to Putrajaya for lunch today. Had to see b. Didn't see him enough last night, as we only had tea then I sent him home as we were both tired. So today, me, so rajin-ly, went from Shah Alam to Putrajaya for lunch with him. Come to think of it, we never had lunch together, other than FAM that is. We work too far away from each other. Went to Alamanda just now, my first trip there. Not too bad the place. Had nasi ayam, lepak a while, then I sent him and drove back to Shah Alam. Now, I'm sleepy and can't wait for 5.30. Ahahahaha.

Weween messaged me on msn just now, and she said she's going for PVD tomorrow. Initially I didn't want to go, as I'm kinda saving up for next month. But she said she could bring me in for free.. sooooo... hmmmm we'll see tomorrow. Hehehehe.


Chiow!

|

OK, I have to say this. Last night, I had the worst nightmare ever in my entire life. Seriously. I dreamt of death. Not of my own. Sure I had dreams of deaths before, I remember a particular one when I was a child. I dreamt of Abah's death. Sure it was scary, but none as vivid as it was last night. Was soooo fucking scary. Sorry for the bad word, but it truly was that bad.

Usually for me, my dreams, even though vivid, usually is not accurate. What I mean by that is say I was dreaming about modDs. I know it's him, but somehow he doesn't look the same, I don't look the same, it won't be in the same time frame, not the same place and such. Last night, I totally freaked. It was too accurate it scared the shit out of me. It continued last night's event. We went for dinner last night at Uptown. He sent me home, we said out usual goodbyes n kisses, and that was it.

Let me tell u how the dream went. Can't really remember how it started, but I received a call (can't even remember who called), saying that modDs have been killed in an accident. No details whatsoever of the accident. Come to think of it, I wasn't even sure if it was an accident. All I know, is that the phone dropped out of my hands at the news that he was gone, and I almost fainted. Next thing I remember, I was thinking how shitty it is I didn't get to say proper goodbye and all. How our last dinner was at Uptown. How the last time I saw him was in the car, smiling at me as I walked up the stairs. How did he go that sudden?? He didn't behave weird. He was as normal as he was. No tell-tale signs at all that I wasn't going to see him again. None.

I remember crying and screaming alone in my room, looking at all his pictures scattered all over my room. His and our pictures. I remember how hurt I felt. How painful it is to deal with, and I can't deal with it at all. And in my mind, I was wildly going crazy. I was thinking about how we didn't even get to celebrate our one-year anniversary. How we wanted to go to the New Year's Eve party. How we were supposed to be engaged soon. How he was supposed to marry me next year. How could he leave me alone in this cruel, cruel world?? How could he?? I looked at all the things I bought for our upcoming event. What should I do with all these stuff now?? And suddenly, I was denying and pushing away all facts. I decided that I can't deal with this, so I won't. And that it can't be true. IT JUST CAN'T BE. I tried to shut my eyes hard, and open them again to wake up and realize that it was a dream. Still it didn't work. In my own dream, I was hoping that it was a dream, but somehow during the dream, I just can't wake up and my mind was forcing me to absorb the fact that he's gone but my body and my heart won't. Somehow in that mess of fighting with my own self and my own brain, I came to the idea to call his handphone. I decided, "hey maybe this is all just my imagination. he can't POSSIBLY be gone now can he?? he'll pick up the phone as usual, and we'll talk and laugh again." Even his name in the phone as I saw it is exactly the same way I typed it in. And it was the last called number as usual.

I was shivering as I heard the ringing tone. It's ringing!!! When someone picked up, I said, "B??? is that u?? pls tell me it's u". But it wasn't. Papa was the one who picked up the phone. I even remember the conversation. Well, wasn't too sure if he could understand what I was saying, as I was half screaming and crying.

Papa: Yan, he's gone. Accept the fact. An dah takde.
Yan : No uncle, he can't be gone. He can't.
Papa: Yan, get a grip. Terima je ok.
Yan : Uncle... tak boleh... tak boleh terima... do u understand??? He was my life. He was everything I ever had. He was everything.... How do u expect me to live without him??? Dia nak kawin dengan Yan next year.. tunang nak dekat dah ni.. kenapa boleh jadi camni???!!
Papa: Yan, I lost my first son too. I know how u feel. But we have to go on living. Yan datang aje esok ok? Uncle nak kebumikan dia esok.

I ended the coversation there. I couldn't talk to Papa anymore. Hell, I couldn't talk to anyone. I was going crazy. My God, didn't know I could feel that heartbroken in a dream. Sakit gila babi sangat hati masa tu. My mind was racing, thinking of this and that and everything and nothing all at the same time. What do I do? Do I still live? I'll just be a zombie. How many day's leave should I take? Would I even ever go back to work?? Which of his friends should I call?? Bachin tau ke tak? I don't have the heart or the courage to inform anyone at all. How about my own family?? How do I break the news?? How??

I remember feeling angry, so angry that I pushed away all his pictures. All memories of him out of my sight. I was angry at him leaving me so sudden. Angry for all the days we have misunderstandings and arguments. What a waste those days seem suddenly. Angry at myself for all my mistakes towards him, for taking him for granted, for not being more grateful for him. I was crying so hard my chest hurt, my body hurts, my brains hurts, everything hurts to the point I got numb. I was still in the raving and ranting stage when I suddenly woke up, screaming, crying and sweating all at once. I woke up so sudden it made me sit up in bed. My heart was racing like mad. It was 4.30 in the morning.

I looked around, saw that all his pictures are still in place, looked at my phone on the floor, and suddenly realized that it was a dream. No, it wasn't. It was a nightmare. My first reaction?? Hell I cried even harder than I did in the dream. Teresak2 melalak meraung segala. Kalau hosmet aku dengar sure cuak. Why? Cos I was soooooooooo thankful. I was grateful. I was ecstatic... as it wasn't true. And because I did manage to wake up and realize that he's still around. I still get to see him tomorrow and all. I got up and hugged all the framed-up pics of us, still crying and all. I messaged him there and then to tell him that I had a bad dream, and that I'm afraid to go back to sleep. I spent 10 minutes crying, then I calmed myself down, but I was still too afraid to go back to sleep. Too afraid of the dream becoming reality, and can't take the hurt of another dream like that. I stayed awake till it got bright, then I must have dozed off. I woke up to his wake-up call as usual, but I didn't remember the dream then. It was after I hung up that it hit me.


Shit that dream freaked the hell out of me. Now I know exactly how I'll handle it if by any chance I lose him. In any way at all. And I know for sure, that I CAN'T handle it. I can't live without him, and that's that. I even confessed to his Dad that I can't right? I tried to think of what the dream meant. But come morning, I decided that I don't really care what it really meant. I cared more for what it made me realize. It made me cherish what I have now. What I know is, now, I will treat each day as if it was our last together. Treat everyday like there is no tomorrow. Love with all my heart, as if today is the only day I can show my love. I do not want to live with regret because of the things that I didn't say, do, or show. Never. NEVER!!!! I won't take him for granted. I'll always give 101% for everything. I will love and care with all I have.


And I can't be more thankful of him than I am now. At this moment. He's not supposed to leave me. He's not supposed to die. Not until I die anyway. I wanna die first, as I don't want to live with the memories. I can't. It's way too painful.



I need to see him. Soon. Very very soon.


Lessons learnt last night:
1. Never watch Six Feet Under before sleeping
2. Don't get too stoned. It plays with ur mind. Demmit Mon!

|

It's late, and I'm totally beat. Had 2 meetings today, each lasting for one-and-a-half and two-and-a-half hours respectively. Busy the whole day doing the whole dapartments' budget, forecast and expenses for next year. Next thing I knew, it's 5.30 and my work's not done. Too tired to write about anything now. Might just as well go home and lie down a while till baby gets there. Then we can watch some CSI. I'll update tomorrow. Meanwhile, here's another pic from our ala2 'shahrukh khan and aishwarya rai' pose over the weekend. Cheh tau jugak aku nama2 hindustan ni.


Mak datuk cukelat nyer rambutku

|

I don't have much to write about. Lately all I can talk about is him. Hahahaha, must be cause he's my entire world now. What can I say has been up these past few days?? Hmmmm... nothing much really. Been quite a quiet week. Pay's in, and I'm broke. Hahaha ain't much fun getting paid nowadays. I'm just left with 300 bucks to eat for the month after paying for everything. We've been home a lot, balas dendam watching DVDs n CSI. Lama gila tak dapat tengok. And we didn't even go out yesterday. We're getting old and boring. There's a few events happening this weekend, but.... entah laa. I didn't feel like going to any. Maybe I AM getting old. Lazy too.

Last night went for dinner at his house, with his mom n sisters. Discussed and talked about a few stuff with Mummy, then we left to pay (more) bills. Home by 11, Bachin n Nasha came to watch movie and they brought the projector with them. Halfway through Runaway Jury, I fell asleep. No, the movie wasn't boring. It was good. Just that I watched it twice before, and I was dead tired yesterday. Had lots of work to do. When modDs noticed that I had already fallen asleep on the carpet, he took my pillow and blanket from the room and covered me. So comel. After the movie ended and everyone was about to go home, he woke me up with kisses, and took me into the room. If only I wasn't too long and heavy he would have carried me I think. He put me to sleep, turned the fan on, closed the window, covered me with blanket and made sure I was comfy. Best gila kena belai2 n cium2 masa tengah ngantuk nak mampos ehehehe. Then he went home.

I woke up this morning, realizing I had no car to go to work as I left it at modDs yesterday, and we went out in his car after that. Was supposed to get it after the movie but I fell asleep kan ehhehehe. So I had to call modDs, wake the poor baby up and ask him to fetch me to work. Pastu baru sedar aku tak tinggal kunci kete ahahahahaha. He came to send me this morning, comel sangat ngan muka tak mandi busuk2... kesian gila kena kejut pagi2 Sabtu hantar awek gi keje. And I have something to look forward to today. He will be fetching me at 1, and we're going to a wedding and a few open houses hehehehe. As a result, I'm wearing baju kebaya to work today, instead of my usual baby-tee-and-jeans outfit for Saturday. Everyone asked me if I'm ok or not. So unlike me to dress up hahahaha.


Ok, it's 12 now. Gotta wake my poor baby again to come fetch me. Hehehehe kejam laa aku nih. Bye peeps!! Have a nice weekend!! Mine will be filled with free food at open houses!!!!





So much for my "don't have much to write about" huh.

|

Girls, don't be such an ass. This is a reminder, to myself too. We girls are sometimes so mengada2 (we do NOT do this on purpose thanks), maybe it's in our genes. Yeah, we all make mistakes, never on purpose, tapi kesedaran tu penting. Tau takpe. Always realize when u've made mistakes. And as I always say, "be careful with ur words. think before u say anything. terlepas cakap susah nak undur balik." But maybe last night, I myself did what I reminded others not to. It was downright stupid of me to say those things (even though it was on sms). He called me back immediately after, sad that I said those words. From something that should have erupted into this big messy blaming-each-other argument, it turned the other way around and became a very menyayat-hati-punya clarification and pledge. And all was well again. I felt like such an ass; asshole n all. And yes, I AM lucky, blessed too. Humans that we are, we sometimes forget to count our blessings and be grateful. We forget to appreciate what we have. We see what's missing, but we don't see what's in front of our noses. And yes, Slyn, more often than not, we don't realize what we've got till it's gone. I'm doing all I can to not live with that regret. Ever.


Yesterday marks the 11th month we've been together. In 29 days' time, we'll be a year. Ups n downs n sides, we've been through all. And we're still good. Very good. He, I assure and am reassured of time and again, is THE ONE I wanna spend the rest of my life with.


I hate the way u talk to me
And the way u cut your hair
I hate the way u drive my car
I hate it when u stare

I hate your big dumb combat boots
And the way u read my mind
I hate it so much it makes me sick
It even makes me rhyme

I hate the way u are always right
I hate it when u lie
I hate it when u make me laugh
Even worse when u make me cry

I hate it that you're not around
And the fact u didn't call
And mostly I hate the way I don't hate u
Not even close,
not even a little bit
not even at all.




Things just won't do without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back
If you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more
Weren't you adored?
If you walk out on me, I'm walking after you....


|